Phyllis Diller Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Phyllis Diller quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
— Phyllis Diller
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
— Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
— Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
— Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
— Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.
— Phyllis Diller
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
— Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
— Phyllis Diller
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
— Phyllis Diller
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
— Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
— Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
— Phyllis Diller
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
— Phyllis Diller
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
— Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
— Phyllis Diller
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
— Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
— Phyllis Diller
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
— Phyllis Diller
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
— Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
— Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
— Phyllis Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
— Phyllis Diller
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
— Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
— Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
— Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
— Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
— Phyllis Diller
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
— Phyllis Diller
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
— Phyllis Diller
![Phyllis Diller Quotes By Phyllis Diller: One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter](https://www.wisefamousquotes.com/images/phyllis-diller-quotes-by-phyllis-diller-818140.jpg "Phyllis Diller Quotes By Phyllis Diller: One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter")
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
— Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
— Phyllis Diller
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
— Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
— Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
— Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
— Phyllis Diller
You want to look younger ... rent smaller children.
— Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
— Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
— Phyllis Diller
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
— Phyllis Diller
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
— Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
— Phyllis Diller
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
— Phyllis Diller
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.
— Phyllis Diller
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
— Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets things right.
— Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
— Phyllis Diller
Money's scarceTimes are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card — Phyllis Diller
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
— Phyllis Diller
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
— Phyllis Diller
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
— Phyllis Diller
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
— Phyllis Diller
I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.
— Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
— Phyllis Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
— Phyllis Diller
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
— Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
— Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
— Phyllis Diller
Self-pity is better than none.
— Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
— Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
— Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.
— Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
— Phyllis Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
— Phyllis Diller
Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
— Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
— Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
— Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
— Phyllis Diller
I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
— Phyllis Diller
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
— Phyllis Diller
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
— Phyllis Diller
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
— Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
— Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
— Phyllis Diller
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
— Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
— Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
— Phyllis Diller