My Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about My Humor

My Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational My Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

You need to be my wife to win with me. — Pawan Mishra

I asked my interior designer to give me something appropriate for defiling virgins. — Nicki Elson

I'm still convinced you're doing my GTO, you bastard. — J.R. Ward

But I've bought a big bat.
I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going
To have trouble with me! — Dr. Seuss

My fellow, you strike me at present as being situated in the moon, kingdom of dream, province of illusion, capital: Soap-Bubble. — Victor Hugo

He's cutting off circulation to my balls! If you want great grandchildren, woman, do something! Joshua sputtered — R.L. Mathewson

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up. — Eoin Colfer

But there was something about Nola that negated my bullshit ability. — Devon Monk

There was no doubt in my mind that Daemon believed revenge was a dish best served in my face. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I miss my suits... — Eoin Colfer

I stared at my broccoli with all kinds of menace. — Juliann Whicker

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. — Demetri Martin

Still, I held my right hand ready to cast a spell in case arts-and-craft hour suddenly ended and they went back to Killing 101. — Devon Monk

You call that caring?! I call it a line of crap! The only thing you cared about begins with an "F" and ends with me losing my virginity! — Maggie Adams

Given up, Khouri? It's not in my dictionary. — Alastair Reynolds

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield

There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point. — David Sedaris

What red lips you have," he said in her ear. Did she dare say it? "All the better to kiss you with, my dear," she replied. And then their lips met. — Annette Curtis Klause

You make a very handsome dead eel, my husband,"
"For a boiled mollusk, you wear black quite well, my wife, — Grace Draven

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

I would love to introduce you all to my girlfriend, she's ... Imaginary — Haresh Daswani

I can still feel my legs, thanks for asking. My back's not even hurt that badly. Only as though I was just hit by a train. — Jayde Scott

Bursting into flame would definitely blow my cover. — Rob Thomas

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. — Tommy Cooper

Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way. — Dez Schwartz

Then what are you? An electronic Hannibal Lector? You can't eat my liver with fava beans through a modem, you know. — Dean Koontz

My coping mechanism with my dyslexia is to use wit and humor. — Max Brooks

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

I was nearly unnerved at my proximity to a nameless thing at the bottom of a pit. — H.P. Lovecraft

English is my second language. Laughter is my first. — Paul Krassner

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. — Woody Allen

We didn't like each other when you were alive," I muttered to my father. "You think living in my head is going to change that? — Devon Monk

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. — Flannery O'Connor

At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic. — Tabitha Soren

Well you can't believe everything you read. After all, by definition, fiction writers lie for a living. — Janette Rallison

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time. — Marc Maron

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!! — Neil Leckman

Slap my ass and call me a tramp. You're responsible for this? — Tiffany King

I'm not a particularly dark individual. I have my moments, it's true, but I do have a sense of humor. — Alan Moore

Everyone likes me. It's my curse. — David Nicholls

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. — Bob Monkhouse

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. — George Takei

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying. — Bill Murray

My mother calls me wishy-washy. I just think I'm delightfully impulsive. — Karina Halle

God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron) — Kim Harrison

My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus. — Yelle Hughes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. — Steven Wright

CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. — Andrew Hussie

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned. — Bo Belinsky

I- I. Sorry. This is what my father would call a fucking unfortunate image. — Erin Bow

My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014) — Denise Baer

Your tongue is moving my King but the words are not making their way to my ears — Dora Okeyo

Thanks, Dad, for leaving a huge void in my life that Freud says has to be filled with dick. — Leah Raeder

It's my first trip as president of the United States. — George W. Bush

My Head of House said I lacked certain necessary qualities ... like the ability to behave myself. — J.K. Rowling

Apparently, he'd killed so many family members that he must have significantly affected the Lore's population. Doing my part for the environment. — Kresley Cole

My life is so bad that it's worse than it really is. — Brian Spellman

Can't even sleep through the night without you and those sun-dried ginger ale complected limbs crocheted into my thighs ... — Brandi L. Bates

The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films. — Paul Newman

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar. — Richard Kadrey

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's"
"I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter. — Becca Fitzpatrick

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. — Mitch Hedberg

The fuck are you staring at? I hiss at the stranger staring at me in my rearview. Oh, wait, that's me. — Sean Murphy

I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor. — Henry James

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman. — Suzanne Collins

All the people who follow me on Twitter know my sense of humor. I sometimes forget the blogosphere will give it more weight than I intended. — Kurt Sutter

Today you, my dear Felicia, look incredibly delightful, and I assure you, I'm not trying to humor you in the least. — Jen Turano

Surprisingly, Gwendolyn, I have more important things to do with my time, like put bamboo shoots under my nails or drill holes in all my teeth. — Shelly Laurenston

You don't think that perhaps you have anger management issues?"
"Punching people is managing my anger. — Suzanne Wrightt

Great Gates almighty," HARV said inside my brain. "I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS. — John Zakour

Just give me a second to get my wind back. Who the hell put that pole there? — Aisha Tyler

He looks me up and down blankly. 'So. No Speedos?'
'I left them in my other bag with my muscle shirts and tanning spray. You? — Melissa Keil

Welcome to the gates of heaven Adelia, and what did you do with your life? My Lord, I was a bishop's whore. — Ariana Franklin

I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too. — Jim Goad

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing. — Laurell K. Hamilton

See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else. — Jim Butcher

My grandmother said sex was the best gift God ever gave to mankind-I think it is over rated. — Brenda Kay Winters

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. — Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up the word "scandal" in my dictionary last night. No wonder there has been such a fuss. — Paula M. Hunter

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this? — Terry Pratchett

Did you hear that! Yuki, the heartless Yuki! Heartless Yuki has begged me with tears to let him visit my shop! — Natsuki Takaya

Dr Adams was following my orders if you want to blame someone blame me -casius
oh i do,I'm just so pissed i had extra left over - Jace — D.D. Barant

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother. — Cassandra Page

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

Yo! Hold my poodle! — Shawn Wayans

A crossbow?" Pigeon asked.
I left my battle-ax in my other jeans," the man said. — Brandon Mull

My paycheck is so small it has an inferiority complex. — Mallory Kane

I'm quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell. — Tanya Masse

And I can see Russia from my house. — Tina Fey

Confound my genteel upbringing! I could not think of any name foul enough to call him. — Nancy Springer

I've never been bothered with my conduct. I've only been bothered by people that don't get it correct when they gossip about me. — Shannon L. Alder

Weird is my bread and butter. — Marla Buchanan

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well. — Elizabeth Gaskell

Though I wondered what she ever made of my professed love for and intentions to marry Big Bird, the hottie of Sesame Street. — Wendy Delsol

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for. — Steven Wright

They grin at each other lovingly and my insides curl up and die. — Miranda Kenneally

Women in love are pathetic
and I cannot be bothered, for now,
I am back to metaphysics
and my armpits gather hair. — Mie Hansson

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

God in his infinite wisdom
Did not make me very wise-
So when my actions are stupid
They hardly take God by surprise. — Langston Hughes