Mitch Hedberg Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Mitch Hedberg quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. — Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. — Mitch Hedberg

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. — Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. — Mitch Hedberg

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky ... — Mitch Hedberg

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. — Mitch Hedberg

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. — Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day. — Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. — Mitch Hedberg

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. — Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. — Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. — Mitch Hedberg

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg

Every picture of you is when you were younger. — Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. — Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. — Mitch Hedberg

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! — Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys." — Mitch Hedberg

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. — Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? — Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion. — Mitch Hedberg

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand. — Mitch Hedberg

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to". — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together. — Mitch Hedberg

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. — Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. — Mitch Hedberg

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. — Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. — Mitch Hedberg

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.' — Mitch Hedberg

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. — Mitch Hedberg

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo. — Mitch Hedberg

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. — Mitch Hedberg

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. — Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. — Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means ... it's dirty. — Mitch Hedberg

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. — Mitch Hedberg

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. — Mitch Hedberg

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break. — Mitch Hedberg

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox. — Mitch Hedberg

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!" — Mitch Hedberg

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. — Mitch Hedberg

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!" — Mitch Hedberg

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. — Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? — Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." — Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. — Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. — Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. — Mitch Hedberg

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? — Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. — Mitch Hedberg

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!" — Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers ... NOPE ... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps — Mitch Hedberg

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. — Mitch Hedberg

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. — Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's. — Mitch Hedberg

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! — Mitch Hedberg

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED! — Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t. — Mitch Hedberg

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. — Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. — Mitch Hedberg