Men's Humor Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Men's Humor
Men's Humor Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Men's Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
— Henny Youngman
Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.
— Jacob M. Appel
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
— Mitch Hedberg
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
— Henny Youngman
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
— Rita Rudner
Men ought to be a four-letter word! Menn!
— Becky Lewellen Povich
As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ...
— Marian Keyes
When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.From The Wife Drought — Annabel Crabb
Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?""Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley
Believe it or not, there's a lot of humor in 'Mad Men.' Especially in the dark moments.
— Matthew Weiner
Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
— Neil Gaiman
Men's happiness and misery depends altogether as much upon their own humor as it does upon fortune.
— Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He's actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian's mother — Gena Showalter
Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way.
— Dez Schwartz
It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots.
— George W. Bush
Don't be bashful; we're among gentlemen. It's a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig.
— Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Whole phases of comedy have become empty; the comic rejoinder has become every man's tool.
— Constance Rourke
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
— Tommy Cooper
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
— Tommy Cooper
These shoes are Mr Silly's shoes, Scott.
— Bryan Lee O'Malley
Women exist to put right all the wrongs men do and to keep them from making a complete pig's ear of the world.
— Jayne Fresina
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
— Jimmy Carr
I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting.
— Adam Clayton Powell III
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
— Adam Ferrara
THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically.
— Janet Evanovich
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
— Frank Carson
She met a dashing man - he was, a dash. — Timothy Joshua
Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed."I grinned. "Then I daresay it's good I'm a woman. — Susan Dennard
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No ... got any Snapple?'
— Mike Birbiglia
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
— Chelsea Handler
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
— Henny Youngman
In any perfect relationship men should remember it's a matter of direction; she takes what's right and you take what's left.
— Solitaire Parke
Yes, he is a man, so genetically he's engineered to be dense about many things, but he's not stupid.
— Katie MacAlister
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
— Henny Youngman
It is not," Valency could hear her mother's prim, dictatorial voice asserting, "it is not MAIDENLY to think about MEN.
— L.M. Montgomery
But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.
— Loretta Chase
Fortunately for Alan's sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.
— Nicole Castle
All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.
— Voltaire
{Victor} was no exception to a rule of Alun's that men over fifty who took care of themselves were not to be trusted.
— Kingsley Amis
My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.
— Elizabeth Gaskell
Men so often became stubborn when they didn't get their way with the ladies in their lives.
— Brianna Labuskes
Humor is man's greatest blessing.
— Mark Twain
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh. — Conan O'Brien
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
— George Bernard Shaw
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
— Frank Carson
The poacher's murderer was a man after Archer's own heart, for Archer also didn't like men to hurt Fire or make her acquaintance.
— Kristin Cashore
Thirtythe promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. — F Scott Fitzgerald
Sometimes the way to a man's heart is through his talleywacker.
— Sabrina Jeffries
Somewhere near the Alamo, a bugle brayed: either that or McCulloch's men had found some reason to torture a poor, defenseless donkey.
— Harry Turtledove
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad, For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. — G.K. Chesterton
No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself.
— Meeta Ahluwalia
Men die. It's practically what they're for.
— Catherynne M Valente
If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at.
— Brad Thor
Who needs men when they can have chocolate?Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that — Trisha Ashley
Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.
— Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A lot of men tend to want "models"I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one. — Trisha Ventker
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
— Joseph Heller
I once took a city with five men and a lame goat.
— Ilona Andrews
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
— Mitch Hedberg
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It's dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
— Alexandra Potter
Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire." ~ Liberty Jones — Lisa Kleypas
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
— Frank Carson
If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.
— Lois Greiman
Mom says it's because she has PMS.Do you even know what that means?
I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome — Nicholas Sparks
Think think think until you blink
— Ganeshsaidheeraj
All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.
— Cyrus The Great
In hindsight, I have no idea why he was ever with me. He thought highly of my breasts. And ... that's it, I think.
— Emma Forrest
The cemeteries are full of indispensable men.
— Charles De Gaulle
No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
— Eoin Colfer
We laughed together. It's so lovely laughing with a man. It feels positive. Relaxed ...
— James Lusarde
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
— Bill Engvall
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
— Mitch Hedberg
Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% women.
— Zooey Deschanel
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
— Henny Youngman
Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.
— Georg C. Lichtenberg
I call the Change of Life "Orchids" because menopause is such an ugly word. It's got men in it for goddsakes.
— Lisa Jey Davis
Macho does not prove mucho.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
— Ljupka Cvetanova