Men Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Men Humor

Men Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Men Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

When Eve upon the first of Men
The apple press'd with specious cant,
Oh! what a thousand pities then
That Adam was not adamant! — Thomas Hood

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

Love Is How You How You Dress — Maurys Gaucho

Humor is the offspring of man; it comes forth like Minerva, fully armed from the brain. — Roger L'Estrange

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. — Rita Rudner

Men ought to be a four-letter word! Menn! — Becky Lewellen Povich

As you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs ... — Marian Keyes

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

The higher the testosterone, the lower the maturity level. — Jennifer DeCuir

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. — Neil Gaiman

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor. — Jerry Lewis

Men always think I'm too demanding... but all I ask is that they treat me like the goddess I am. — Kathy Shaskan

He was one of your wicked, fascinating men. After he got married he left off being fascinating and just kept on being wicked. — L.M. Montgomery

Typically, I prefer to gag my own men. I'd never considered having them delivered to me that way. — Dez Schwartz

Boys dream of strippers, men dream of their women waiting for them at home. — Kathleen Brooks

Don't be bashful; we're among gentlemen. It's a known fact that we men are the missing link between the pirate and the pig. — Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Real men respect women — Prince Simus

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. — Rita Rudner

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. — Rita Rudner

Colin: "1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex." He looked truly puzzled. — Nina Bangs

The men my family threw me at were strong and powerful. I could kill this boy with a teaspoon, and for some reason that made me feel comfortable. — Kay Harding

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler

THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically. — Janet Evanovich

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". — Rita Rudner

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men
an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy. — Steve Harvey

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. — Mark Twain

Wise men are not wise at all hours, and will speak five times from their taste or their humor, to once from their reason. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned another rule, men don't buy men flowers — Dora Okeyo

Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women. — Dermot Davis

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life. — Joseph Addison

I have never seen a wrestling match or prize fight, and I don't want to. When I find out a man is interested in these sports, I drop him. — Hedy Lamarr

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously. — Lois Greiman

Men were not so much gifted with penises as cursed with them. — Stephen King

There was so much testosterone in the air, I felt like I needed a gas mask. — Richelle Mead

Some men never recover from education. — Oliver St. John Gogarty

Girls are so much nicer than men (apart from Tom-but homosexual). — Helen Fielding

I call the Change of Life "Orchids" because menopause is such an ugly word. It's got men in it for goddsakes. — Lisa Jey Davis

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me. — Keri Arthur

Women rule the world; we just let our men think they do. — Prescott Lane

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman

They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind. — Noel Fielding

It might be that the biggest division in the world isn't men and women but folks who like cats and folks who like dogs - (L.T.'s Theory of Pets) — Stephen King

I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots. — Oscar Wilde

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you. — Criss Jami

You really think anyone else would put up with you? Yep. Do you want to see more men die? — Shay Rucker

It seems to me that a man who is incapable of humor is capable of cruelty. — Bette Greene

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman

No men who really think deeply about women retain a high opinion of them — Otto Weininger

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man". — Russell Beland

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em. — Flip Wilson

Males are the most incomprehensible species. — Rachel Cohn

Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women. — Jose Saramago

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy — Josh Stern

Some single men stop drinking when they git married and others start! — Tennessee Williams

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. — G.K. Chesterton

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Macho does not prove mucho. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

A good writer can fake being an expert in anything - even men's underwear. — Greg Dybec

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks. — Cyrus The Great

The cemeteries are full of indispensable men. — Charles De Gaulle

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid. — Frank Carson

Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your - — Avery Aster

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

Maybe Shay was right; all eligible men were either dead or traumatized. — Hati Bell

She met a dashing man -
he was, a dash. — Timothy Joshua

No man can ever admire a woman the way she admires herself. — Meeta Ahluwalia

Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion. — Thomas Browne

Somewhere near the Alamo, a bugle brayed: either that or McCulloch's men had found some reason to torture a poor, defenseless donkey. — Harry Turtledove

Thirty
the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. — F Scott Fitzgerald

All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God. — Voltaire

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. — George Bernard Shaw

A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh. — Conan O'Brien

Men so often became stubborn when they didn't get their way with the ladies in their lives. — Brianna Labuskes

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well. — Elizabeth Gaskell

In a case such as this, unless an entire army is available, the safest number of men will be one. We have no army, and therefore I will go. — Nicole Sager

{Victor} was no exception to a rule of Alun's that men over fifty who took care of themselves were not to be trusted. — Kingsley Amis

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. — Joseph Heller

Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed. — Ken Wheaton

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

Women need a reason to have sex; men need only a place. — Nelson DeMille

Men weigh love with hands. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Men die. It's practically what they're for. — Catherynne M Valente

Fishing and ear scratching the two reasons men were given hands. — Robin Hobb

If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at. — Brad Thor

Who needs men when they can have chocolate?
Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that — Trisha Ashley

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A lot of men tend to want "models"
I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one. — Trisha Ventker

Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different. — Mae West

I once took a city with five men and a lame goat. — Ilona Andrews

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." — Mitch Hedberg

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It's dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it. — Alexandra Potter

Most men don't seem to get that telling a pissed-off woman to calm down is like throwing gunpowder on a fire."

~ Liberty Jones — Lisa Kleypas

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago. — Lois Greiman

Mom says it's because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome — Nicholas Sparks

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other. — Bauvard

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

Think think think until you blink — Ganeshsaidheeraj

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap. — Frank Carson