Leno's Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Leno's

Leno's Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Leno's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind. — Jay Leno

John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion? — Jay Leno

You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity. — Jay Leno

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. — Jay Leno

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before. — Jay Leno

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh ... it's as simple as that. — Jay Leno

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad. — Jay Leno

Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding. — Jay Leno

John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!' — Jay Leno

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day. — Jay Leno

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt. — Jay Leno

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?". — Jay Leno

L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time. — Jay Leno

Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous. — Jay Leno

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. — Jay Leno

Tenacity isn't just the most important thing, it's the only thing. — Mavis Leno

It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup. — Jay Leno

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market. — Jay Leno

Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats. — Jay Leno

There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up. — Jay Leno

Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J. loved his wife. — Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! — Jay Leno

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon. — Jay Leno

Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price. — Jay Leno

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed. — Jay Leno

Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging. — Jay Leno

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. — Jay Leno

NBC's priorities are Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno, and then there's me. — Carson Daly

Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either. — Jay Leno

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. — Jay Leno

There's a difference between silence meaning agreement and being silenced. — Mavis Leno

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.' — Jay Leno

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand? — Jay Leno

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.' — Jay Leno

I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.' — Jay Leno

There's nothing more frightening than a day job. — Jay Leno

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one. — Jay Leno

All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners. — Jay Leno

Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months. — Jay Leno

It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records. — Jay Leno

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about. — Jay Leno

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' — Jay Leno

At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down. — Jay Leno

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America. — Jay Leno

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis. — Andy Kindler

I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair. — Jay Leno

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. — Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. — Jay Leno

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein. — Jay Leno

Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare. — Jay Leno

First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring ... soon after ... comes Suffer ... ring! — Jay Leno

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline. — Jay Leno

I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president. — Jay Leno

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?. — Jay Leno

Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring. — Jay Leno

The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks. — Jay Leno

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? — Jay Leno

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.! — Jay Leno

It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going. — Jay Leno

Soup is probably a way associated with screwing you outside of a meal. — Jay Leno

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten. — Jay Leno

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?' — Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden. — Jay Leno

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama's deficit speech. — Jay Leno

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house. — Jay Leno

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime. — Jimmy Kimmel

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. — Jay Leno

Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare. — Jay Leno

Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary. — Jay Leno

If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business. — Jay Leno

You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. — Jay Leno

Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick? — Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot. — Jay Leno

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story. — David Spade

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic. — Jay Leno

It's being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that's just people leaving the White House. — Jay Leno

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.' — Jay Leno

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records. — Jay Leno

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. — Jay Leno

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun? — Jay Leno

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around. — Jay Leno

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11. — Jay Leno

George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election
low score wins. — Jay Leno

It's always bad news when you kill your date — Jay Leno

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution?
Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore. — Jay Leno

I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25. — Jay Leno

Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment. — Jay Leno

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up! — Jay Leno

President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike. — Jay Leno

More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin. — Jay Leno

My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park. — Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan? — Jay Leno

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House's Easter Egg Roll. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. — Jay Leno

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House. — Jay Leno

President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States. — Jay Leno

President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida. — Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan? — Jay Leno

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head. — Frank Caliendo

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden. — Jay Leno

Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer. — Jay Leno