Last Funny Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Last Funny
Last Funny Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Last Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
— Rodney Dangerfield
But Thor and I weren't going to happen, ever. I didn't tell her this. I might be a killer, but I'm not mean.
— J.A. Konrath
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
— Henny Youngman
MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.
MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?
ME: MATH. — KanyaACoffman
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
— Rodney Dangerfield
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
— Frank Carson
The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.
— Gene Wilder
It was funny to me how Murk played with these niggas and gave them hope in their last moments. "Who
— Porscha Sterling
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
— Rodney Dangerfield
The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.
— Jerry Coleman
If that was the last event of the night, it would have made a terrible ending. It was just the beginning, though.
— John Duover
My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.
— Jo Brand
Every Hero Becomes a Bore at last." Ralph Waldo Emerson
— Tim O. Casey
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
— Rita Rudner
And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.
— Gary Paulsen
Kissing's a lot like laughing. If the joke's funny, it doesn't matter how long it's been since you last heard one.
— Maggie Stiefvater
I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
— Michael Summers
It's funny; people get so doctrinaire about music. It should be the last thing you don't have an open mind about.
— Randy Newman
Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.
— Aravind Adiga
I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.
— Michael Summers
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
— Henny Youngman
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
— Katt Williams
I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: Fuck me he's a earthbender.
— Ben Aaronovitch
He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.
— Carroll Bryant
I had a dream about you last night ... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.
— Nicole McKay
All right, funny man. Some of the shite I've seen in the last couple o' years makes AIDS monkeys sound downright sensible.
— Garth Ennis
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
— Steven Wright
I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline.
— Michael Summers
Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
— Jerry Coleman
I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
— Michael Summers
Well I'll Be Damned. This is funny.
— Doc Holliday
Larry Moffett is 6' 3". Last year he was 6" 6".
— Jerry Coleman
With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!
— Jerry Coleman
This last one is greener, it must be sweeter.
— Nor Sanavongsay
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
— Charles De Gaulle
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
— Mitch Hedberg
I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan.
— Nicole McKay
Funny how physics didn't go away when you were murdered.
— Rachel Caine
Nice guys finish last but that's what makes them good in bed.
— Nicholas M. Bugden
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
— Rodney Dangerfield
It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.
— Holly Hood
Dont disturb my circles!
— Archimedes
Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff's last name is a homophone of 'made-off'?
— David C. Holley
They said something funny. They said, 'Even God leaves on the last boat from Nome.' What does that mean?
— Marcus Sedgwick
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
— Frank Carson
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
— J. B. Smoove
Britain's last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki
— Nigel Starmer-Smith
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
— Doug Stanhope
Laurence the last time I saw something like you I flushed it away.
— Mark A. Cooper
I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.
— Walter Matthau
When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first.
— Mark Schiff
Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.
— Eugene Ormandy
If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school's last bastion of patriarchal society.
— G.G. Silverman
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
— James Joyce
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
— Mitch Hedberg
May this continent, the last explored by humankind, be the first one to be spared by humankind.
— Jacques-Yves Cousteau
Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.
— Adrienne Wilder
I did not know that we had ever quarreled.
— Henry David Thoreau
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
— Samuel Butler
Last year we drove across the country ... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip ... I don't remember what it was ...
— Steven Wright
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
— Russell Howard
I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
— Amy Summers
The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972
— Brendan Foster
It's funny how quickly tomorrow becomes yesterday and then last week and then you run out of time.
— Michelle Gable
The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice.
— Joey Lauren Adams
Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.
— Derek The Ghost
I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.
— Michael Summers
The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door. — Frederic Brown
My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That's enough, I myself choose my way
— Ali Shariati
He wondered if her spy had stumbled upon his last night. When did he start thinking like his mother?
— Johanna Lindsey
Funny how the last thing we want the world to see is almost the first thing to show.
— Courtney Summers
Are you kidding me? The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.
— TheFlamingPopsicle
Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.
— Gwen Stefani
You 'accidentally' touched his bottom? Didn't that happen when you last saw him aswell? Surprising how often that seems to be a problem. — Twisted Hilarity
Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.
— Matshona Dhliwayo
