Kintz's Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Kintz's
Kintz's Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Kintz's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover's hair. Of course they weren't, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last race.
— Jarod Kintz
I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.
— Jarod Kintz
I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade.
— Jarod Kintz
Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis.
— Jarod Kintz
He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)
— Jarod Kintz
Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second.
— Jarod Kintz
I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer.
— Jarod Kintz
I'm looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don't snuggle, you must cuddle - at a world champion level.
— Jarod Kintz
I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.
— Jarod Kintz
I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.
— Jarod Kintz
Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille.
— Jarod Kintz
He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.
— Jarod Kintz
In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment.
— Jarod Kintz
I'm so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that'd be a couple, and couple's can't be lonely.
— Jarod Kintz
Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen.
— Jarod Kintz
The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing.
— Jarod Kintz
Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.
— Jarod Kintz
If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge.
— Jarod Kintz
Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond.
— Jarod Kintz
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.
— Jarod Kintz
(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.
— Jarod Kintz
I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out.
— Jarod Kintz
It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out.
— Jarod Kintz
Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for.
— Jarod Kintz
I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.
— Jarod Kintz
She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it.
— Jarod Kintz
I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty.
— Jarod Kintz
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm just a kitten.
— Jarod Kintz
I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it's everything a politician isn't.
— Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger.
— Jarod Kintz
I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water.
— Jarod Kintz
To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person's not a little impulsive, they don't have a pulse.
— Jarod Kintz
A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know?
— Jarod Kintz
If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole.
— Will Advise
I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me.
— Jarod Kintz
My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.
— Jarod Kintz
With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points.
— Jarod Kintz
I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired.
— Jarod Kintz
Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.
— Jarod Kintz
I've got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It's on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment.
— Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.
— Jarod Kintz
I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).
— Jarod Kintz
I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.
— Jarod Kintz
I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.
— Jarod Kintz
I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out!
— Jarod Kintz
I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.)
— Jarod Kintz
A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it?
— Jarod Kintz
A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you're going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.
— Jarod Kintz
If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.
— Jarod Kintz
It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I'd gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.
— Jarod Kintz
I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid.
— Jarod Kintz
Human hands are great for waving hello, waving goodbye, and for making love alone in front of a cheering audience of paying spectators.
— Jarod Kintz
People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic.
— Jarod Kintz
The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.
— Jarod Kintz
I like to spoon after I fork.
— Jarod Kintz
I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car.
— Jarod Kintz
Wealth - one billion, two billion, what's the difference? The difference is one billion - the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion.
— Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.
— Ryan Lilly
It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That's when we met, and that's when I knew it was love, two years before.
— Jarod Kintz
Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it's healthier than Gatorade.
— Jarod Kintz
The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering.
— Jarod Kintz
The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.
— Jarod Kintz
If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?
— Jarod Kintz
Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful.
— Jarod Kintz
What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.
— Jarod Kintz
A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it's so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman.
— Jarod Kintz
There's an old saying in swimming - "Don't drown." At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it's all gold.
— Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment.
— Jarod Kintz
My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is.
— Jarod Kintz
And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.
— Jarod Kintz
Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.
— Jarod Kintz