Jimmy Carr Quotes: top 75 famous quotes about Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jimmy Carr quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr

People with Tourettes ... What makes them tick? — Jimmy Carr

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26. — Jimmy Carr

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna. — Jimmy Carr

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group. — Jimmy Carr

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face. — Jimmy Carr

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested. — Jimmy Carr

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be. — Jimmy Carr

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am? — Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr is a very nice man who works incredibly hard and has donated loads of money to good causes. He's done absolutely nothing illegal. — Rufus Hound

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes! — Jimmy Carr

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books. — Jimmy Carr

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh. — Jimmy Carr

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee. — Jimmy Carr

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy. — Jimmy Carr

How many airports are there in the world? — Jimmy Carr

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi. — Jimmy Carr

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. — Jimmy Carr

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh. — Jimmy Carr

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly. — Jimmy Carr

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors. — Jimmy Carr

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say. — Jimmy Carr

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could. — Jimmy Carr

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off! — Jimmy Carr

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr

People say, "Now you've given up booze at least you can remember what you did last night." I say, "Yeah, nothing." - Frank Skinner — Jimmy Carr

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! — Jimmy Carr

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" — Jimmy Carr

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids — Jimmy Carr

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.' — Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation. — Jimmy Carr

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service. — Jimmy Carr

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia. — Jimmy Carr

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all. — Jimmy Carr

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. — Jimmy Carr

Not since Jimmy Carr have I seen a cold computer programme on stage generate so much laughter. — Robin Ince

I don't see myself as offending people. — Jimmy Carr

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. — Jimmy Carr

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest." — Jimmy Carr

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? — Jimmy Carr

Creationists, the right-wing Christians, creationists believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. — Jimmy Carr

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die. — Jimmy Carr

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'. — Jimmy Carr

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other ... — Jimmy Carr

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing. — Jimmy Carr

Jesus loves you ... He's not 'in love' with you. — Jimmy Carr

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true. — Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'. — Jimmy Carr

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before. — Jimmy Carr

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. — Jimmy Carr

I pay what I have to and not a penny more. — Jimmy Carr

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot. — Jimmy Carr

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly. — Jimmy Carr

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr

When someone close to you dies, move seats. — Jimmy Carr

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros. — Jimmy Carr

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr

I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically. — Jimmy Carr

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh. — Jimmy Carr

Say what you want about the deaf ... — Jimmy Carr

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. — Jimmy Carr

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence. — Jimmy Carr

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb. — Jimmy Carr

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" — Jimmy Carr

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it — Jimmy Carr

Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes. — Jimmy Carr