Jim Gaffigan Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jim Gaffigan quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.
— Jim Gaffigan
I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
— Jim Gaffigan
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
— Jim Gaffigan
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
— Jim Gaffigan
Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.
— Jim Gaffigan
A cheeseburger a day keeps the feelings away.
— Jim Gaffigan
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
— Jim Gaffigan
Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away.
— Jim Gaffigan
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
— Jim Gaffigan
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.
— Jim Gaffigan
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
— Jim Gaffigan
My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
— Jim Gaffigan
I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.
— Jim Gaffigan
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
— Jim Gaffigan
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
— Jim Gaffigan
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
— Jim Gaffigan
I was never sure what Grimace was or why he was named after a pained facial expression.
— Jim Gaffigan
Cancer is always funny.
— Jim Gaffigan
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You
— Jim Gaffigan
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
— Jim Gaffigan
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.
— Jim Gaffigan
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
— Jim Gaffigan
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
— Jim Gaffigan
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
— Jim Gaffigan
I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
— Jim Gaffigan
New York City park bathrooms feel like a crime scene. You are always expecting to see yellow police tape and a chalk-outlined body.
— Jim Gaffigan
You can never look that tough in glasses ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
— Jim Gaffigan
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
— Jim Gaffigan
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
— Jim Gaffigan
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
— Jim Gaffigan
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
— Jim Gaffigan
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
— Jim Gaffigan
My comedy is romanticized laziness.
— Jim Gaffigan
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
— Jim Gaffigan
Organic is probably the biggest scam of the century. For those of you unfamiliar with it, organic is a grocery term for more expensive.
— Jim Gaffigan
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
— Jim Gaffigan
Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.
— Jim Gaffigan
There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.
— Jim Gaffigan
They "cruise" or hold themselves up with furniture in search of the hardest and sharpest surface to bang their head on.
— Jim Gaffigan
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
— Jim Gaffigan
a Shakespearean play with a hip-hop score
— Jim Gaffigan
I've been outed as a Christian.
— Jim Gaffigan
I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.
— Jim Gaffigan
Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
— Jim Gaffigan
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
— Jim Gaffigan
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
— Jim Gaffigan
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
— Jim Gaffigan
Kale is a superfood and it's special power is tasting bad.
— Jim Gaffigan
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
— Jim Gaffigan
Kids and disease are the gateway to faith.
— Jim Gaffigan
If steak is the tuxedo of meat, and bacon is the candy of meat, then a good cheeseburger is the mother's hug of meat.
— Jim Gaffigan
French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway.
— Jim Gaffigan
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
— Jim Gaffigan
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
— Jim Gaffigan
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
— Jim Gaffigan
Leaving the house in general really doesn't mix with toddlers, but long lines just indicate poor parental planning and judgment.
— Jim Gaffigan
We tend to outdo ourselves.
— Jim Gaffigan
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
— Jim Gaffigan
You know, I want to teach, but I don't want to read?
— Jim Gaffigan
Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great ... And we'd love some shelves over there.
— Jim Gaffigan
My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
— Jim Gaffigan
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
— Jim Gaffigan
I suppose parenting wouldn't feel so
— Jim Gaffigan
Please take him. Take him now!
— Jim Gaffigan
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
— Jim Gaffigan
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
— Jim Gaffigan
No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.
— Jim Gaffigan
