Jay Leno Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jay Leno

Jay Leno Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jay Leno quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20. — Jay Leno

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind. — Jay Leno

Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple. — Jay Leno

If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong. — Jay Leno

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. — Jay Leno

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh ... it's as simple as that. — Jay Leno

Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush". — Jay Leno

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it. — Jay Leno

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn't like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton. — Jay Leno

President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again. — Jay Leno

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats — Jay Leno

To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side! — Jay Leno

So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?". — Jay Leno

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. — Jay Leno

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch. — Jay Leno

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas. — Jay Leno

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people." — Jay Leno

Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team. — Jay Leno

Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats. — Jay Leno

All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around. — Jay Leno

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon. — Jay Leno

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. — Jay Leno

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed. — Jay Leno

When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth. — Jay Leno

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow. — Jay Leno

Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory. — Jay Leno

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.' — Jay Leno

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. — Jay Leno

Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs? — Jay Leno

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand? — Jay Leno

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.' — Jay Leno

If there isn't a parking space out front or I can't see my car from the window, we're eating somewhere else. — Jay Leno

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill. — Jay Leno

I don't like goodbyes, NBC does. — Jay Leno

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark. — Jay Leno

"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard. — Jay Leno

How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes. — Jay Leno

George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election
low score wins. — Jay Leno

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it. — Jay Leno

Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky. — Jay Leno

While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator. — Jay Leno

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden. — Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot. — Jay Leno

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.' — Jay Leno

Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare. — Jay Leno

Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment. — Jay Leno

If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star. — Jay Leno

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.' — Jay Leno

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men! — Jay Leno

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun? — Jay Leno

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around. — Jay Leno

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11. — Jay Leno

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records. — Jay Leno

Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people. — Jay Leno

Soup is probably a way associated with screwing you outside of a meal. — Jay Leno

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden. — Jay Leno

Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats? — Jay Leno

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed. — Jay Leno

It's always bad news when you kill your date — Jay Leno

Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama. — Jay Leno

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too. — Conan O'Brien

One thing about mildly dyslexic people - they're good at setting everything else aside to pursue one goal. — Jay Leno

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.' — Jay Leno

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table. — Jay Leno

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution?
Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore. — Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. — Jay Leno

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House. — Jay Leno

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform. — Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. — Jay Leno

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America. — Jay Leno

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - "Safer, Stronger, and Tested." Isn't that a condom ad? — Jay Leno

The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt. — Jay Leno

Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can. — Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan? — Jay Leno

65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women. — Jay Leno

I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president. — Jay Leno

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't. — Jay Leno

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess. — Jay Leno

President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.' — Jay Leno

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. — Jay Leno

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' — Jay Leno

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about. — Jay Leno

Playboy magazine is now doing a 'Women of Enron' pictorial spread ... Apparently the only thing these women have left to shred is their dignity. — Jay Leno

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up! — Jay Leno

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free. — Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan? — Jay Leno

When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower ... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!' — Jay Leno

Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is. — Jay Leno

Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth. — Jay Leno

Ambition beats genius 99% of the time — Jay Leno

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. — Jay Leno

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline. — Jay Leno

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House's Easter Egg Roll. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. — Jay Leno

Happiness is a privilege — Jay Leno

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished. — Jay Leno

I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go. — Jay Leno

Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick? — Jay Leno

It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going. — Jay Leno

President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States. — Jay Leno

Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line. — Jay Leno