Jarod's Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jarod's

Jarod's Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jarod's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover's hair. Of course they weren't, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I'm proof that it works. It's how I managed to get second to last in my last race. — Jarod Kintz

I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade. — Jarod Kintz

Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis. — Jarod Kintz

He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) — Jarod Kintz

I left Mermaid's Bar and Grill about 2:00 am, and fishtailed out of the parking lot. — Jarod Kintz

Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second. — Jarod Kintz

I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals - including politicians. — Jarod Kintz

I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer. — Jarod Kintz

I'm looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don't snuggle, you must cuddle - at a world champion level. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. — Jarod Kintz

If I replaced my ears with conch shells, would you surf on the sound waves? — Jarod Kintz

I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands. — Jarod Kintz

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake. — Jarod Kintz

Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille. — Jarod Kintz

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he's not still hungry. If he is, I'll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream. — Jarod Kintz

In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment. — Jarod Kintz

I'm so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that'd be a couple, and couple's can't be lonely. — Jarod Kintz

He is the biggest asshole on the planet," Jarod says. "And in a planet that's currently drowning in assholes, that's saying a lot. — Siobhan Davis

Alzheimer's is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what's been stolen. — Jarod Kintz

When I'm competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top. — Jarod Kintz

The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you're going to see it blink black. That's the moment to start writing. — Jarod Kintz

Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison. — Jarod Kintz

I don't know what's in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. — Jarod Kintz

Revenge seeks its pound of flesh. That's one fifth of my erection. — Jarod Kintz

My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart. — Jarod Kintz

Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for. — Jarod Kintz

It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out. — Jarod Kintz

I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out. — Jarod Kintz

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. — Jarod Kintz

For a case study in personal branding. Google "Jarod Kintz." He's kind of a big deal. — Ryan Lilly

Did I spell the word "did" right? Of course not! I got my D's mixed up. — Jarod Kintz

She didn't just disappear from my life - she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget it. — Jarod Kintz

If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge. — Jarod Kintz

(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty. — Jarod Kintz

Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond. — Jarod Kintz

I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty. — Jarod Kintz

The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn't hate, it's ignoringance. — Jarod Kintz

It's better to say something too little, than nothing too much. — Jarod Kintz

For me, it's not about winning an award. It's also about not even being nominated. — Jarod Kintz

To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person's not a little impulsive, they don't have a pulse. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know? — Jarod Kintz

I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water. — Jarod Kintz

If I did sales - my technique would be to hand-seal each deal with gourmet omelets, by Jarod Kintz's secret invisible recipe that I stole. — Will Advise

Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me. — Jarod Kintz

It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm just a kitten. — Jarod Kintz

With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points. — Jarod Kintz

I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat's rough tongue. — Jarod Kintz

I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired. — Jarod Kintz

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it's everything a politician isn't. — Jarod Kintz

Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen. — Jarod Kintz

I've got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It's on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment. — Jarod Kintz

A glazed banana peel is not for eating, it's for innuendo. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else's nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do. — Jarod Kintz

I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse. — Jarod Kintz

People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic. — Jarod Kintz

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. — Jarod Kintz

I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out! — Jarod Kintz

I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.) — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it? — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you're going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet. — Jarod Kintz

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me. — Jarod Kintz

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I'd gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls. — Jarod Kintz

I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid. — Jarod Kintz

If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets. — Jarod Kintz

I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little). — Jarod Kintz

I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates. — Jarod Kintz

The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money. — Jarod Kintz

I like to spoon after I fork. — Jarod Kintz

I'll tell you, I go absolutely bananas for phallic-shaped fruit. — Jarod Kintz

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste. — Jarod Kintz

I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car. — Jarod Kintz

I'm putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I'm more like clay. — Jarod Kintz

Wealth - one billion, two billion, what's the difference? The difference is one billion - the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion. — Jarod Kintz

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I'm way too out of shape to see fit. — Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays. — Ryan Lilly

It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That's when we met, and that's when I knew it was love, two years before. — Jarod Kintz

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful. — Jarod Kintz

If you don't speak Greek, how do you know if it's all Greek to you? — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it's healthier than Gatorade. — Jarod Kintz

The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. — Jarod Kintz

The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law. — Jarod Kintz

I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold. — Jarod Kintz

If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample? — Jarod Kintz

One Jarod's a lover, and one Jarod's a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one. — Jarod Kintz

Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful. — Jarod Kintz

What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed. — Jarod Kintz

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it's so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman. — Jarod Kintz

There's an old saying in swimming - "Don't drown." At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it's all gold. — Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment. — Jarod Kintz

My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is. — Jarod Kintz

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank. — Jarod Kintz

I want to own a wind farm. Don't breathe, or you'll undermine the price of my crop. — Jarod Kintz

Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too. — Jarod Kintz

Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, "Free sex with room." — Jarod Kintz

Human hands are great for waving hello, waving goodbye, and for making love alone in front of a cheering audience of paying spectators. — Jarod Kintz