Jarod's Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Jarod's
Jarod's Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jarod's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
I speak Spanish like I chew spinach - like it's dried bubble gum stuck underneath a park bench.
— Jarod Kintz
I'd rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It's homemade.
— Jarod Kintz
Anyone want some of my foot long sub? It's huge! It's nearly half as long as my penis.
— Jarod Kintz
He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.)
— Jarod Kintz
Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second.
— Jarod Kintz
I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that's to be expected, since she is a roofer.
— Jarod Kintz
I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands.
— Jarod Kintz
I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.
— Jarod Kintz
Acne is nothing more than nature's Braille.
— Jarod Kintz
In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment.
— Jarod Kintz
I'm so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that'd be a couple, and couple's can't be lonely.
— Jarod Kintz
He is the biggest asshole on the planet," Jarod says. "And in a planet that's currently drowning in assholes, that's saying a lot.
— Siobhan Davis
Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.
— Jarod Kintz
My apartment complex isn't. No, it's simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.
— Jarod Kintz
Standing around making ten dollars an hour - that's what they pay me the big bucks for.
— Jarod Kintz
It's possible that I couldn't handle the truth, but I sure wouldn't mind fondling it to find out.
— Jarod Kintz
I was once in a battle trying to fight my way out when I realized it's better to sneak out.
— Jarod Kintz
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.
— Jarod Kintz
If it's dangerous, then you go first. If it's pleasurable, then I'll be brave and lead the charge.
— Jarod Kintz
(Picture of a pirate standing on a treasure chest) It's not about the chest, it's all about the booty.
— Jarod Kintz
Her name is Coy. She's shy, and I found her in my pond.
— Jarod Kintz
To me, impulsive means foolish. But if a person's not a little impulsive, they don't have a pulse.
— Jarod Kintz
A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I'm sorry to have to tell you I'm sorry, but that's life, you know?
— Jarod Kintz
I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that's OK, because I like ice water.
— Jarod Kintz
Sometimes I'll forget a utensil's name, and I'll say, "Give me that pointy thing," as I point with my pointy finger.
— Jarod Kintz
I'd rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that's just the romantic me.
— Jarod Kintz
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm just a kitten.
— Jarod Kintz
With me and my girl, I'm number one - and she's the index finger. We're the same, but I go where she points.
— Jarod Kintz
I know her name. I remember because I forgot. That's one of the joys of love. Well, two of the joys.
— Jarod Kintz
I work for the nod syndicate. It's a sleepy job. If I'm caught not sleeping on the job, I'll get fired.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it's everything a politician isn't.
— Jarod Kintz
Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It's tough because they're slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.
— Jarod Kintz
I've got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It's on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment.
— Jarod Kintz
I drive a car that's covered in fur, because before the automobile, there was the horse.
— Jarod Kintz
People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic.
— Jarod Kintz
I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.
— Jarod Kintz
I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.)
— Jarod Kintz
A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it?
— Jarod Kintz
If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.
— Jarod Kintz
I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).
— Jarod Kintz
I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.
— Jarod Kintz
The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.
— Jarod Kintz
I like to spoon after I fork.
— Jarod Kintz
I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
— Jarod Kintz
A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car.
— Jarod Kintz
Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays.
— Ryan Lilly
The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering.
— Jarod Kintz
Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful.
— Jarod Kintz
What's with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.
— Jarod Kintz
My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment.
— Jarod Kintz
My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is.
— Jarod Kintz
Error is to err, as blanket is to blank.
— Jarod Kintz
Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.
— Jarod Kintz
