Jarod Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Jarod

Jarod Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Jarod quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Make love like you just stole it. — Jarod Kintz

He's a buying dude, and I've got to sell him something - like my credibility. (On sale Today through Labor Day.) — Jarod Kintz

The only thing better than word of mouth is words of mouth. Give me at least two words. — Jarod Kintz

She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch. — Jarod Kintz

A Yes-man is always a somebody. Only a No-man is a nobody. — Jarod Kintz

Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn't enjoy the second. — Jarod Kintz

I have a responsibility as a human being to care for animals - including politicians. — Jarod Kintz

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good. — Jarod Kintz

She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her from heavenly I love yous. — Jarod Kintz

I'm looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don't snuggle, you must cuddle - at a world champion level. — Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33. — Jarod Kintz

If I replaced my ears with conch shells, would you surf on the sound waves? — Jarod Kintz

I'd kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don't have any friends. — Jarod Kintz

I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those plans with my bare hands. — Jarod Kintz

I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake. — Jarod Kintz

I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four. — Jarod Kintz

I'd rather have a career that utilizes my creativity, but torturing people all day long is not a bad gig. At least not for me. — Jarod Kintz

In the long run, a treadmill's a great investment. — Jarod Kintz

When I'm competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top. — Jarod Kintz

Love is communicating. I'm sorry, mime, but I only lust you. — Jarod Kintz

Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison. — Jarod Kintz

I don't know what's in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. — Jarod Kintz

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man? — Jarod Kintz

Trophies are clutter at best, and weapons at worst. I prefer my awards heavy and with handles. — Jarod Kintz

Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I'm trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit. — Jarod Kintz

One Jarod's a lover, and one Jarod's a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used like cloud cover — Jarod Kintz

Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords. — Jarod Kintz

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time. — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn't leave their wallets in their pants. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don't need it, because I know my sexual orientation - north! — Jarod Kintz

Dark Jar Tin Zoo's face is sallow, his cheeks sunk in, and he looks like Edvard Munch's "The Scream," only less colorful. — Jarod Kintz

If your TV is broken, don't get a new one - get a new hobby: reading. — Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz gets so many retweets, he's like Katniss Everdeen with tourettes in a forest full of Mockingjays. — Ryan Lilly

A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it's so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman. — Jarod Kintz

There's an old saying in swimming - "Don't drown." At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it's all gold. — Jarod Kintz

I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn't entirely clear to me. — Jarod Kintz

Do or don't, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market. — Jarod Kintz

We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn't grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home. — Jarod Kintz

Even a broken mirror isn't broken if it allows you to see who you really are - cracked down the middle in your duality. — Jarod Kintz

I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists. — Jarod Kintz

I'm like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog. — Jarod Kintz

Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs. — Jarod Kintz

I stole the y, and what was yours is now ours. — Jarod Kintz

You can share in my joy, but I don't want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all. — Jarod Kintz

As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I'll pen our love story, if you'll be my co-author. — Jarod Kintz

To catch affection, try being efficient by using a fishing net. You can't sit back and wait for romance to grow on trees. — Jarod Kintz

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home. — Jarod Kintz

Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not. — Jarod Kintz

My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial. — Jarod Kintz

The name's David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I'm also not my own father, if you were wondering. — Jarod Kintz

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake. — Jarod Kintz

The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That's why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law. — Jarod Kintz

I added five shots to my coffee, because that's all the bullets my magazine can hold. — Jarod Kintz

If my love were a bagel, I'd put cream cheese on it. But it's not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample? — Jarod Kintz

I want to open a wheat/dairy factory. Bread and butter will be my bread and butter. — Jarod Kintz

People think I'm all gloom and doom all the time. I'm not. I also have bad days where I'm pessimistic. — Jarod Kintz

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive. — Jarod Kintz

I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle - without even working out! — Jarod Kintz

I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.) — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it? — Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you're going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet. — Jarod Kintz

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I'd think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me. — Jarod Kintz

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I'd gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls. — Jarod Kintz

I'm angry as hell. I'm angry for all the people who should be angry but aren't, either because they're too stupid or too timid. — Jarod Kintz

If a university's colors were blue and pink, they could be the Fighting Sunsets. — Jarod Kintz

I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little). — Jarod Kintz

I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates. — Jarod Kintz

The lawyer said he couldn't take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money. — Jarod Kintz

I like to spoon after I fork. — Jarod Kintz

I'll tell you, I go absolutely bananas for phallic-shaped fruit. — Jarod Kintz

I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste. — Jarod Kintz

I don't understand people who don't touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason. — Jarod Kintz

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won't start your car. — Jarod Kintz

I'm putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I'm more like clay. — Jarod Kintz

Wealth - one billion, two billion, what's the difference? The difference is one billion - the same difference as flat broke, like me, and one billion. — Jarod Kintz

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I'm way too out of shape to see fit. — Jarod Kintz

Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young. — Jarod Kintz

Anything more than 5/10ths makes me tense — Jarod Kintz

I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs. — Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She's tied up in the trunk this very moment. — Jarod Kintz

I don't want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much. — Jarod Kintz

I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans. — Jarod Kintz

I found Waldo. He was in a strip club. He was hard to spot, because he'd already stripped off his red and white striped sweater and was all sweaty. — Jarod Kintz

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night. — Jarod Kintz

My new book is going well. It's practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I'm not writing it, my clone is. — Jarod Kintz

I like horse farms. I like the idea of animals growing on trees. — Jarod Kintz

If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you've never dreamed of and never wanted. — Jarod Kintz

Meet the Robinsoons - but meet them later. — Jarod Kintz

I don't need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package. — Jarod Kintz

I made a mistake, but I didn't beat myself up about it. No, I beat up my clone. — Jarod Kintz

I had to put away my toy so it didn't get lost. After all, cats can't read maps or ask for directions, and they don't possess GPS. — Jarod Kintz

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up. — Jarod Kintz

Error is to err, as blanket is to blank. — Jarod Kintz

I want to own a wind farm. Don't breathe, or you'll undermine the price of my crop. — Jarod Kintz

Writing all day every day is good, but it's not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too. — Jarod Kintz

Blankets could be used as billboards on buildings, especially hotels, if you write things like, "Free sex with room." — Jarod Kintz

Human hands are great for waving hello, waving goodbye, and for making love alone in front of a cheering audience of paying spectators. — Jarod Kintz