If Then Funny Quotes: top 51 famous quotes about If Then Funny

If Then Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational If Then Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. — Steven Wright

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You're standing in Christ's spot. — Shannon L. Alder

If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny. — Sarah Silverman

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny. — Dane Cook

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. — Christopher Titus

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. — Homer

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? — Dylan Moran

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live. — Shannon L. Alder

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin — Bill Watterson

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth. — Michael Bassey Johnson

It's really funny, because if you make up words, then people project their own meanings onto it, which I find interesting. — Aphex Twin

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are. — Jim Steinman

If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia. — Dana Marie Bell

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. — Demetri Martin

If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh. — Patton Oswalt

If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole. — Jussi Adler-Olsen

I think it would be funny if you died of full blown AIDS. then I can take a crap on your grave after they bury you. — Nickolaus Pacione

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won't argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from. — Jesse Ball

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from? — Jane Wagner

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg

If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. — Calvin Trillin

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to ... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. — Woody Allen

So if you are what you eat and you are as young as you feel, then I am a pizza, right out of the oven. — Tom Althouse

Charlie Christian showed me a lot, and was a great help, but even then, I realised that if I was going to make it, it was no use copying Charlie — Barney Kessel

If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be. — Stephen Clarke

The funny thing about the mind is that if you ask a question and then listen quietly, the answer usually appears. — Yongey Mingyur

Good, because if the guy isn't making you walk funny after sex, then probably isn't anything to write home to mom about. — J. Lynn

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die.
Kate to Will — Elizabeth Scott

But that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you. — Jonathan Tropper

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers

If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money. — Missy Elliot

Archbishop: "God is with us!"
William the Great : "Bishop, if God is with us, then he is not with them, congratulations!
We are victorious! — Arash Pakravesh

If your result needs a statistician then you should design a better experiment. — Ernest Rutherford

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

People are funny. They look down from all sorts of heights and then if the looking down has no effect they get unsure. — John McGahern

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay. — Tom Hanks

Agatha: "If you say anything smug or stuck-up or shallow, I'll have Reaper follow you home."
Sophie: "But then I can't talk! — Soman Chainani

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! — Demetri Martin

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Steven Wright

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels ... — Josh Stern

Hey, if having a beautiful, smart, funny, talented man love me unconditionally for the rest of my life makes me a victim, then that's what I am. — Victoria Denault

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. — Edsger Dijkstra

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny. — Tracy Morgan

The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere." — David Frost

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. — Mitch Hedberg

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine. — Johnny Vegas