Humour Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humour Funny

Humour Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humour Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death. — Michael Bassey Johnson

She started naming the fish. 'Loppy, Troppy, Hoppy, Soppy, Boppy, Floppy, Moppy and Roppy. — Deepika Kumaaraguru

Maruman does not loll. — Isobelle Carmody

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother. — Katie McGarry

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! — Leah Broadby

After a time he fell asleep, and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy. — J.M. Barrie

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable. — Darynda Jones

I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical. — Nora Roberts

Love is relentless, and so am I ;) — Keisha Keenleyside

Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too. — Simone Elkeles

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead. — John Bellairs

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting. — Eoin Colfer

I could still box your ears."
"Nonsense," he scoffed. "You couldn't reach that high. — Anne Gracie

There are some things you just don't say...not even in a school! — X

No bikinis on a first date." He nods. "I'm sure that's a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. — Marian Keyes

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet! — Sara Sheridan

There are children in Africa, starving to death, and you don't hear them whinging. — Tim Minchin

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?"
"What do you think?"
"Then I'm not going to let you go. — Sarah Mayberry

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn't. — Tara Janzen

Minimalism is a girl's best asset, blend tones, smudge hard outlines; if all else fails; Photoshop it. — Judith Chambers

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead. — Doug MacLeod

It needs to said that Gerard Brennan's The Point is terrific. Scorchingly funny, black humour at its finest and the most inventive car theft ever! — Arlene Hunt

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet."
At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?"
"I just know. — Cassandra Clare

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit. — Rick Riordan

Flirting with random women in a tavern? That sounds like Helios. Well, it sounds like most of the gods, actually. — Rick Riordan

We're adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you're counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even. — Robyn Carr

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. — Stephen Hawking

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. — H.G.Wells

This is America. We're entitled to our opinions."
"Wrong. This is Texas. And my opinion is the only one that counts. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing. — Nathan Hassall

What sort of look are you going for?"
Damn, how did he answer this? "Something ... normal," he finally said. — Toni Blake

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality. — William Makepeace Thackeray

We were a very funny family. Humour was the tool with which my brother and I tried to get attention. We were always trying to be the funniest. — Meg Cabot

I was not dressed crazily - I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason. — Diane Messidoro

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't. — Eoin Colfer

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an 'idea'. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave. — Leah Broadby

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor! — Christina Scalise

A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.
Luis: Hey — Simone Elkeles

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish! — Shanai Campbell

No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits. — Nick Hornby

I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour. — Nancy Springer

Ben walks in the room and asks, "What were you guys doing?" Nikki says "Nothing" at the same time I say, "Your sister and I were just makin' out. — Simone Elkeles

Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention. — Orson Scott Card

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. — Darynda Jones

If you can't laugh at yourself, maybe you're not funny — Benny Bellamacina

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Can I fetch you something, madam? A cup of tea?'
In the old days she'd have been 'miss' and he'd have offered her a cocktail. — Sara Sheridan

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch — Keisha Keenleyside

What the hell am I doing ... ? Escape holding myself as a hostage ... ? I won't be able to make it like that ... — Tsugumi Ohba

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich. — Habeeb Akande

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree. — Lois Greiman

You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment. — Simone Elkeles

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years - barnyard sounds. — Simone Elkeles

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out. — R.D. Ronald

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day? — J.R.R. Tolkien

It's always funny until someone loses a testicle. — Bob N. Boguslavski

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

That's right, you get him, Mary. Don't let him change the subject! — Alexandra Bracken

Are you sure this is a good idea?' I ask.
'No,' says Amber. 'Let's do it. — Doug MacLeod

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile. — Zane Stumpo

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy? — Hannah Harrington

What's with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan."
"I suspect I am a hooligan. — Simone Elkeles

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research. — Will Self

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry. — Gerry Geek

Don't worry about Sian," Louisa said, "things will get better."
"What, she'll stop hitting me?"
"No, but you'll stop bruising so easily. — Dylan Perry

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter ... with alliteration, no less! — E.A. Bucchianeri

Does Playboy still run fiction?"
"I have absolutely no idea, Melinda," he said, grinning. — Robyn Carr

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands ... that can do your brain. — Ivan Stoikov

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't know any sad songs. Except for the funny ones. — Richard Powers

She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I'm confident I can trick her into it. — Robyn Carr

What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun? — Suzanne Brockmann

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

The lot of the bride
to be wed before bed
desired until rotten.
The lot of the author
to be read before bed
admired then forgotten. — Roman Payne

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. — Libba Bray

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral. — Stephen Herfst

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. — Jonathan Tropper

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back — Rodney Dangerfield

He'd done it like he did everything else - with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her. — Kaylea Cross

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. — S.A. Tawks

Fat people are funny ... until obesity pays your loved one a visit. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish. — Jerome K. Jerome

When would he learn that women never stayed where you put them? — Maya Banks

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler — Benny Bellamacina

Whoa, who was that?"
"Madison Stone," Kiara mutters.
"Introduce me to her."
"Why?"
Because I know it'll annoy the shit out of you. — Simone Elkeles

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Data is your Beta... — Kshitij Bhatia

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. — Leah Broadby

You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? — Renita D'Silva