Humorous Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humorous

Humorous Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humorous quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story. — Richelle E. Goodrich

A girl with plenty to do is sure to draw the interest of a man who's worth knowing. Be sure to get a hobby girls. — Barbara Jean Coast

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient. — Elizabeth Inchbald

The real problem with stories - if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death. — Neil Gaiman

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate. — Evelynn Crowe

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting." — Charles Dickens

I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language. — Richard Peck

Did you once own ruby slippers, and did a house fall on your head? You're a daft little munchkin. — Heather Fleener

My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun? — Tara Sivec

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it. — Mark Twain

What's the saying? All is donkey balls in love and war?
-Dan Garrett — Leah Rae Miller

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit. — Gish Jen

The news that Daisy Miller was surrounded by half a dozen wonderful mustaches checked Winterbourne's impulse to go straightway to see her. — Henry James

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things. — J.P. Mac

And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne. — Cassandra Clare

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living — Nitin Yaduvanshi

Now, invite me in, before I lose my temperature.'

'Temper, you mean.'

'No, temperature. It's getting chilly. — Steven Erikson

Forget your past,
Use your pain;
Accept that pain,
And Achieve the gain. — Nitesh Nishad

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps... — Jonathan Dunne

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts — P.G. Wodehouse

Shall I add a man to my collection? — Patricia A. McKillip

You spit in this?"
"Yup."
Chris shrugged. "As long as you're honest. — R.L. Mathewson

There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. — Peter Drucker

A person never rise by pulling others down. — Lailah Gifty Akita

Boys are just dogs — Scylar Tyberius

One of my students once asked me:
-' Teacher, do you like kids?'-
I said:
-' Yes, especially baked.'- — Me

Whats up home skillet, biscuit. — Ali Cooper

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie. — Neil Simon

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

I can't get her pregnant! I'm just thirteen. You have to be a man to get a girl pregnant. — Scylar Tyberius

May as well have ox blood running through those veins," I added, "You're as
stubborn as one. — Katherine McIntyre

I'm more of a dog person. But I admire cats and their ability to take so much while giving so little. — Jeri Smith-Ready

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple. — David Sedaris

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers

What you know
and don't deny that
you don't know
and knowing this
you know
what and why
you don't know.
Right? — Jennifer Hillman

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. — Robert Breault

Yo! Hold my poodle! — Shawn Wayans

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them. — Jonathan Lynn

Tell me about yourself.' A strange thing for a husband to ask a wife. — Janet Mullany

Stupid entropy ruins everything. — Jennifer Ouellette

Here's my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn't a real Vocab word.) — A.S. King

You can't beat me. I have the mind of a warlock with adonis DNA. Winning! — Charlie Sheen

You seem ... unsettled." Was "unsettled" another word for horny enough to climb the walls? Because if so, then yes, I was most definitely unsettled. — Jay Crownover

He has denied what has happened. His sworn statements have denied what has happened. — Patricia Schroeder

Charm of the most insidious kind: humorous, self-deprecating, and disarmingly frank and confiding. — Loretta Chase

A true Vor, Miles told himself severely, does not bury his face in his liegewoman's breasts and cry
even if he is at a convenient height for it. — Lois McMaster Bujold

I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!! — Neil Leckman

A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood. — Arthur Conan Doyle

We are flawed creatures with explosive feelings that subconsciously aspire to be non-violent sociopaths. — Jayme K.

Vote early and vote often. — Al Capone

I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young. — Golda Meir

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck

What do writers look like? — Graham Spaid

Two fairies were sleeping peacefully on his bed. Dinnie was immediately depressed. He knew that he did not have enough money to see a therapist. — Martin Millar

...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine. — Jim Butcher

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid. — Jon Ronson

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? — Demetri Martin

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble. — Stephen King

It (Lewinskygate) has ... compromised his moral authority — Joe Lieberman

Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked. — Gerald Durrell

Like old times... wanna arm wrestle for her? — Catherine Vale

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house. — Emma Beasley

The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

You learn to smile even in you liver?'
'Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver. — Elizabeth Gilbert

ARISE, AWAKE AND STOP NOT TILL THE GOAL IS REACHED — Swami Vivekananda

If you don't succeed the first time - you're about average — Frederick L. Coxen

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'? — Erica Dakin

'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness. — John Dryden

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others — Yana Toboso

I suspected his middle name was "Yum". — Camilla Chafer

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Apollo wanted out. Out of Aphrodite, out of this bathroom, out of this house, and out of this life. — Marie Phillips

As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing. — J.R. Ward

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!! — Neil Leckman

This guy had more lines than loose-leaf. — Cara Lynn Shultz

Buy this book , buy this book , you need this book, buy book now.'

Subliminal messaging works! — Nick Jimbanis

Shut up, you fool ... Really. I'm running out of things to throw at you. — Kale Lawrence

I took your name when I took those vows
I meant 'em back then and I mean 'em right now. — The Band Perry

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but ... what? — Stacey Kade

Then I yelled through his door, It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS. — Jenny Lawson

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. — Rich Hall

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. — Bob Hope

Women; the supreme masters of the bait and switch.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke — D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA. — Deirdra Baldwin

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. — Mark Twain

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway. — Haruki Murakami

Germans at the time believed, a little oddly, that dyes killed germs by turning the germs' vital organs the wrong color. — Sam Kean

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

First, let me finish. Then interrupt. — Brian Spellman

My folks were English ... we were too poor to be British. — Bob Hope

Listen carefully, I'm going to say three words."
"I love you? — Lisa Scottoline

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange! — Charles Dickens

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

It had better be. It doesn't do much when it's soft. — Brent Weeks

In Tantric Zen you can be humorous and make fun of anything or you can be very serious. — Frederick Lenz

Everything is uncomfortable for the first time: School, Smoking or Sex. — Aakash Deep

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. — Quentin R. Bufogle