Humorous Quotes Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Humorous Quotes quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I've been waiting for this a long time."-Martin "Let me guess that you're wishing for your IQ to break double figures?"- Alex V. — Benedict Jacka

Thank God it wasn't beef jerky, or I might've ended up dead."

"The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon. — Brett Bacon

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate. — Evelynn Crowe

While the man is putting on it's shoes, the woman can buy dozens of high heels. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Who do I think would appreciate my book?
I'm surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud? — Dan Alatorre

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide. — Ljupka Cvetanova

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, "You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now! — Leah Broadby

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn't on a checklist. — Kat Kruger

One of my favorite quotes is:
... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy. — Shannon Stacey

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent. — Christy Hall

Stupidity has a knack for getting its way. — Albert Camus

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit. — Gish Jen

Among the top ten things I've learned in life: when your hair stylist is having a bad day, reschedule. — P.M. Terrell

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things. — J.P. Mac

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living — Nitin Yaduvanshi

For every person who rides with a moral high-horse, they also have a dead horse that they haven't fed lying somewhere out of sight. — Zack W. Van

Someone has opened the flood gates of stupidity... — Anthony Feinman

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever! — Ann Taylor

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments. — Pawan Mishra

Deep down, he's shallow. — Peter De Vries

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~ — Lucian Bane

She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"
Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"
For once Auto Correct got it right. — Christy Hall

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts — P.G. Wodehouse

Darkness is necessary for evolvement. — Lailah Gifty Akita

May "the Meatball" Wexler. — Elle Casey

Dude, socks. If you just wore socks, this wouldn't have happened. — Ginger Scott

One of my students once asked me:
-' Teacher, do you like kids?'-
I said:
-' Yes, especially baked.'- — Me

Whats up home skillet, biscuit. — Ali Cooper

If men had to have babies there wouldn't be any sex life left. — Thorne Smith

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot. — R. Alan Woods

May as well have ox blood running through those veins," I added, "You're as
stubborn as one. — Katherine McIntyre

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

You know what I could use? A thrill. — Jim Moorman

Youth isn't all it's cracked up to be either."
"Then you're doing it wrong. — Rachel Hauck

Fiction is but a moment of bliss that takes the pain away...Like a cookie for the soul... — Leona Keyoko Pink

Searching through Monster while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married. — Crystal Woods

I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts. — Crystal Woods

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys. — George R R Martin

A meeting is a collective tacit confession of participants' unwillingness to work. — Pawan Mishra

Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed. — Kylie Scott

Happiness is; knowing that Goodreads isn't blocked from my work IT system. — Mel Morton

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic! — Sid Bolon

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance? — Stewart Lee Beck

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint! — Melissa F. Olson

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but ... what? — Stacey Kade

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands — Amy McAuley

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. "Like, what, the DOM-matrix?" ~Tara Reese — Lucian Bane

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted. — Stewart Lee Beck

Lending books to other people is merely a shrewd form of housecleaning. — Joe Queenan

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone. — Jeremy Lee

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should. — Charles Dickens

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on — Josh Stern

My sight, hearing and strength are superior and I can fly. What more do you want? — E.M. Cooper

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye. — James Kelman

I know that whenever I feel my world turning
upside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure. — Lauren Kate

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter — Annette Johnson

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded. — Mary Stewart

You are organic, aren't you? Or am I talking to a statue again? — Christina Daley

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school's last bastion of patriarchal society. — G.G. Silverman

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell
when no one was around to be crushed. — Kresley Cole

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood. — Lida Sideris

My goal is to do something outrageous every day. — Maggie Kuhn

There are stranger things out there than flying pigs. — Jane Tara

When it's all said and done remember, You are only as old as you look. — Mark W. Boyer

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur! — Anonymous

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads. — Ronie Kendig

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. — Dennis Miller

And now that I have been scammed once, I felt like it could not happen to me again. — Vann Chow

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit — Subhasis Das

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. — Stewart Lee Beck

First, let me finish. Then interrupt. — Brian Spellman

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA. — Deirdra Baldwin

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Listen carefully, I'm going to say three words."
"I love you? — Lisa Scottoline

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. — Quentin R. Bufogle

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house. — Emma Beasley

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead. — Mark R. Jones

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute. — Stewart Lee Beck

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. — Xaviera Hollander

99% of all problems can be solved by money
and for the other 1% there's alcohol. — Quentin R. Bufogle

Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort! — Elizabeth Jane Howard

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute. — Anonymus Autor

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly. — Leah Broadby

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that. — Ljupka Cvetanova

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

Hangin' upside down ain't good for nobody but possums. — DiAnn Mills

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name. — Becca Fitzpatrick

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way. — Rod Longuestte

Guys this good looking should not be criminals. It'll throw off the universe or something. — Elle Casey

Go Big or Go Home — Kari Sherman

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true! — Various

When it's all been said and done...
There's hell of a lot more said, than done. — Alan VanMeter

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova