Humor Mark Twain Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor Mark Twain

Humor Mark Twain Quotes & Sayings

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Eh bien! I no see not that that frog has nothing of better than another. — Mark Twain

There have been daring people in the world who claimed that Fenimore Cooper could write English, but they are all dead now. — Mark Twain

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. — Mark Twain

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. — Mark Twain

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember. — Mark Twain

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech. — Mark Twain

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. — Mark Twain

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be - a Christian. — Mark Twain

If you should rear a duck in the heart of the Sahara, no doubt it would swim if you brought it to the Nile. — Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

Man - a figment of God's imagination. — Mark Twain

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. — Mark Twain

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. — Mark Twain

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, one when he was a boy and one when he was a man — Mark Twain

Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him. — Dick Van Dyke

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen. — Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards. — Mark Twain

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. — Mark Twain

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. — Mark Twain

Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person. — Mark Twain

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. — Mark Twain

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian. — Tina Fey

Humor is tragedy plus time. — Mark Twain

He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie. — Mark Twain

Having faith is believing in something you just know ain't true. — Mark Twain

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. — Mark Twain

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. — Mark Twain

There is no humor in heaven. — Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up! — Mark Twain

I've had a very difficult life. Fortunately, most of it didn't happen. — Mark Twain

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. — Mark Twain

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it. — Mark Twain

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. — Mark Twain

If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves. — Mark Twain

An honest politician is an oxymoron. — Mark Twain

They was strong words but they was said and I let them stay said. — Mark Twain

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. — Mark Twain

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. — Mark Twain

Congress - that great, benevolent asylum for the helpless — Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt and children. — Mark Twain

Eschew surplusage. — Mark Twain

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. — Mark Twain

Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time. — Mark Twain

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly. — Mark Twain

To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin
That makes calamity of so long life; — Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. — Mark Twain

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. — Mark Twain

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German. — Mark Twain

I can last two months on a good compliment. — Mark Twain

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. — Mark Twain

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. — Mark Twain

A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. — Mark Twain

All great men are dead, and I'm not feeling too well myself — Mark Twain

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. — Mark Twain

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. — Mark Twain

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. — Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain

I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself. — Mark Twain

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. — Mark Twain

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful. — Mark Twain

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having. — Mark Twain

Let us draw the curtain of charity over the rest of this scene — Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. — Mark Twain

This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger. — Mark Twain

Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point. — Mark Twain

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration. — Mark Twain

Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies. — Mark Twain

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. — Mark Twain

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. — Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. — Mark Twain

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. — Mark Twain

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate ... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead. — Mark Twain

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma. — Mark Twain

Tolstoy carelessly neglects to include a boat race. — Mark Twain

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the fellow who can't read a line. — Mark Twain

Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice! — Mark Twain

I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again — Mark Twain

Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!
Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer — Mark Twain

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? — Mark Twain

Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." Dorsey Bing said, "I'll take womankind's greatest blessing: more wine. — CeCe Osgood

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
[Mark Twain, a Biography] — Mark Twain

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Benjamin Franklin Wade

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo. — Mark Twain

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. — Mark Twain

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. — Mark Twain

I do not like work even when someone else is doing it. — Mark Twain

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow. — Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven. — Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. — Mark Twain

There are two kinds of speakers. Those who are nervous and those who are liars. — Mark Twain

I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars. — Mark Twain

I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else. — Mark Twain

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results. — Narcotics Anonymous

Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. — Mark Twain

Humor is the good natured side of a truth. — Mark Twain

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. — Mark Twain

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. — Mark Twain