Handler Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Handler

Handler Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Handler quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

He told her then how sorry he was for last night, but not out loud. — Daniel Handler

The saying that money doesn't buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps. — Chelsea Handler

It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer. — Chelsea Handler

She gave me a hug and for a second I was embraced by a body that makes me want to go home and never eat again. — Daniel Handler

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting. — Chelsea Handler

How many happy people do you think there are in the world? Twelve? — Daniel Handler

Normally it is not polite to go into somebody's room without knocking, but you can make an exception if the person is dead, or pretending to be dead. — Daniel Handler

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler

I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire. — Daniel Handler

And I almost said I love you. Instead I said nothing and you said nothing. — Daniel Handler

I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. — Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. — Chelsea Handler

Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult. — Chelsea Handler

I started making plans, thinking we would get that far. — Daniel Handler

And then like a song we'd forgotten was even on the mix, you stepped into the house and my whole life. — Daniel Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler

He thought she knew what he meant, but the biggest mistake you can make is thinking they know what you mean. — Daniel Handler

Finders keepers is what they say, and I wanted to be kept. — Daniel Handler

Dumping you times infinity. Still not enough. — Daniel Handler

The rinsed foam swirled into one drain that always clogged come October when the maples dropped Canadian propaganda over everything. — Daniel Handler

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. — Chelsea Handler

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding. — Chelsea Handler

I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America. — Chelsea Handler

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth. — Chelsea Handler

The important thing is to be drunk. — Chelsea Handler

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut. — Chelsea Handler

And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you. — Chelsea Handler

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either. — Chelsea Handler

Television speeded everything up. — Ruth Handler

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it. — Chelsea Handler

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore. — Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

He who wants the world must first escape from it. — Daniel Handler

The secret of photography is, the camera takes on the character and personality of the handler. — Walker Evans

Call me later, you'd said, so I could call you later, at night, and it is those nights I miss you, Ed, the most, on the phone, you beautiful bastard. — Daniel Handler

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up. — Daniel Handler

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. — Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? — Chelsea Handler

For Beatrice- When we were together I felt breathless. Now you are. — Daniel Handler

I had a therapist once tell me to "sit with my shit," and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed. — Chelsea Handler

Forever and ever, world without end. — Daniel Handler

We didn't know how to run a business, but we had dreams and talent. — Ruth Handler

When you start reading nonfiction books about piracy, you realize that it's actually just a history of desperate people. — Daniel Handler

I'm a lunatic wandering around for scraps. — Daniel Handler

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. — Chelsea Handler

I want you to love me in particular. — Daniel Handler

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing. — Chelsea Handler

It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any. — Daniel Handler

Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler

Every new promise was like something heavy I had to carry, with no place to put anything down. — Daniel Handler

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. — Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office. — Chelsea Handler

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self. — Chelsea Handler

I think pirates, like astronauts, particularly for a boy, are always kind of worth thinking about. — Daniel Handler

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. — Chelsea Handler

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything — Chelsea Handler

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort. — Chelsea Handler

We women have to stick together. — Chelsea Handler

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler

It's why we broke up, Ed, a small thing that's disappeared or maybe was never really in my hands in the first place. — Daniel Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. — Chelsea Handler

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness. — Chelsea Handler

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term camel balls. — Chelsea Handler

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. — Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. — Chelsea Handler

I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me. — Chelsea Handler

I think Chelsea Handler is the funniest woman. — David Alan Grier

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know. — Chelsea Handler

She licked her lips and then wiped them on her hand, her dark lipstick staining her wrist like a suicide. — Daniel Handler

Everybody has a theory. — Daniel Handler

I thought the Barbie doll would always be successful. — Ruth Handler

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. — Chelsea Handler

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not. — Chelsea Handler

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that. — Chelsea Handler

I stayed there loving you, though the love made me, not sad but I guess melancholy, for a reason I couldn't point
to. — Daniel Handler

One has to adopt a sort of Zen calm, in which you know you wrote the best book that you could at the time. — Daniel Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. — Chelsea Handler

The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie. — Daniel Handler

Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies — Daniel Handler

I think there are probably just as many adults who would miss the humor of my books, if not more, as there are children. — Daniel Handler

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. — Chelsea Handler

The right boys I always toss and the wrong ones I keep on top of me like paperweights. — Daniel Handler

I want to love you and take you pretty places. Yes, I have things wrong, but also I can walk through walls if you'll let me show you. — Daniel Handler

I was so angry I knew it would boomerang someplace sometime soon. — Daniel Handler

Adverbs is a book about love, and I thought that was pretty cheerful, but people who are reading it now are telling me that it's actually quite dark. — Daniel Handler

I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills. — Chelsea Handler

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of. — Chelsea Handler

I find reading screenplays difficult, as they're only a roadmap for what a movie might end up being. — Daniel Handler

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women. — Chelsea Handler

All over the world are particular people, and you could be happy with probably five or six of them, eight if you're bisexual and everyone is. — Daniel Handler

I love Chelsea Handler. — Lauren Conrad

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world's been nightmarished. — Daniel Handler