Halpern Quotes: top 73 famous quotes about Halpern

Halpern Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Halpern quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life. — Justin Halpern

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern

That was my concept from the beginning - a crazy caper that's a parable for what happens in the absence of regulation. — Jake Halpern

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works. — Justin Halpern

Accept what is, rather than forcing what you think should be. Emma — Leslie C Halpern

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. — Justin Halpern

Deities can actually own property in India, though the law treats them as minors, and they must be represented by an official guardian. — Jake Halpern

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. — Justin Halpern

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern

I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever. — Justin Halpern

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon — Justin Halpern

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower. — Justin Halpern

I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date. — Julie Halpern

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup — Justin Halpern

Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch. — Justin Halpern

Is it the boiler room? Is this the part where we both fall asleep and Freddy comes after us? 'Cause I could so kick his ass. — Julie Halpern

On Lego's
Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit. — Justin Halpern

If it is true that you are what you eat, it may just as accurately be said that you are what you listen to. STEVEN HALPERN — Anodea Judith

You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it. — Justin Halpern

objects were governed by their interactions — Paul Halpern

Rutherford showed how radio waves could travel long distances, penetrate walls, and magnetize iron. — Paul Halpern

I know a flute player is technically called a "flautist," but something about it sounds a little sketchy, as does "pianist," so I will refrain. — Julie Halpern

...the reward for getting through life is getting life itself. — Sue Halpern

So I carried on, waiting for what ever was to come, with or without God's help — Julie Halpern

Finding any semblance of unity would require extraordinary pattern-recognition skills, a keen imagination, and a hearty sense of humor — Paul Halpern

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. — Justin Halpern

You worry too much. Eat some bacon ... what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon. — Justin Halpern

It's difficult to write about poverty in a way that doesn't feel cliched. — Jake Halpern

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important. — Justin Halpern

Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it! — Justin Halpern

Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you. — Justin Halpern

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you. — Justin Halpern

I can't buy the idea that we're supposed to live and learn from horrible things. That somehow these things happen so we can grow as people — Julie Halpern

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you. — Justin Halpern

I didn't have a boyfriend. I had someone to watch horror movies with while my best friend was too sick with cancer. — Julie Halpern

Passion kept one fully in the present, so that time became a series of mutually exclusive 'nows.' — Sue Halpern

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit. — Justin Halpern

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there, — Justin Halpern

I wished I could erase the message, suck the word "sorry" from the En glish language, and hack it to pieces with a rusty ax. — Julie Halpern

My dad is awesome. — Justin Halpern

Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. — Justin Halpern

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. — Justin Halpern

Imagine having no chain of titles for cars, no VIN numbers, and no DMV. There'd be total chaos! But that's basically the system for debt. — Jake Halpern

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes. — Justin Halpern

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion. — Justin Halpern

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. — Justin Halpern

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested. — Justin Halpern

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane. — Justin Halpern

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking. — Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. — Justin Halpern

When I had an earache, my mom would piss in my ear to kill the pain, — Justin Halpern

I hardly think it wise to put the idea of flying into the heads of impressionable teenagers who are already battling the challenges of lunacy. — Julie Halpern

I was an angst-y journal writing kid. — Justin Halpern

Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan. — Justin Halpern

Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid. — Justin Halpern

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is. — Justin Halpern

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking. — Justin Halpern

The actual evidence concerning the Exodus resembles the evidence for the unicorn. — Baruch Halpern

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that. — Justin Halpern

So love is possible at the Loony Bin. Or, at least, lust. — Julie Halpern

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom. — Justin Halpern

The unasked-for gift of being with people at the end of their lives...is a simple but profound appreciation of the here and now of life itself. — Sue Halpern

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes. — Justin Halpern

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it. — Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. — Justin Halpern

When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of. — Justin Halpern

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog. — Justin Halpern

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit. — Justin Halpern

Though we are made of memories, we live only in the here and now. — Sue Halpern

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass! — Julie Halpern

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself. — Justin Halpern

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid. — Justin Halpern