Give Me Funny Quotes

Remember, I'm the only person her who's paid to be nice to you. But not too nice. Give me any lip and I'll break your face. OK? — Orson Scott Card

I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me. — Eugene Ormandy

What did you think of him?" Cade asked.
"Give me some credit," Zach said. "Guy's more full of shit than a duck pond. — Christopher Farnsworth

I could read music and sing all the right notes at the right time. And over time, I literally found my voice, found a way to make sound. — Caroline Shaw

You don't have paperwork," Savitri said. "You give it all to me." "Is it done?" I asked. "As far as you know, yes," Savitri said. — John Scalzi

Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack. — Sara Humphreys

The cat crossed the street daintily, pointing his feet like a ballet dancer, lifting them high as if his feet were too good for the pavement. — Vera Caspary

I've been in your body, baby, and it was paradise.
I've been in your body and it was a carnival ride. — Richard Siken

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You're going to be trouble, aren't you?"
"Not if you give me everything I want."
"We'll see. — Zoe Forward

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.' — Adam Ferrara

Give me the luxuries and I can dispense with the necessities. — Oscar Wilde

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

What is characteristic of illusions is that they are derived from human wishes. — Sigmund Freud

If you're doing something that you love to make a living, make sure you love it and make sure you do it. — Myka 9

I own your balls, huh !" She grinned, laughing." I'll have to remember that the nest time you give me any shit. " (El Diablo) — M. Robinson

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!" — Mitch Hedberg

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more. — Catullus

My age makes me think how valuable life is. How bad is something like Parkinson's in relation to not having life at all? — Michael J. Fox

Give me a guitar and I'll play; give me a stage and I'll perform; give me an auditorium and I'll fill it. — Eric Clapton

To me, the best humor is indeed the ability to laugh at one's self. So I give myself endless opportunities to do so. — Tom Althouse

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. — Ellen DeGeneres

I'm caught in colliding currents of confusion, so desperate so desperate so desperate to be close so desperate to be far away. — Tahereh Mafi

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. — Tallulah Bankhead

Operator! Give me the number for 911! — Dan Castellaneta

So. Tell me, little wolf. Do you want to punish those who have wronged you? — Marie Lu

Bigots are actually funny to me in the way that people who still wear parachute pants give me a chuckle. — John Ridley

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp. — Haven Kimmel

We were talking briefly about cocaine ... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that! — Robin Williams

Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it. — Jimmy Fallon

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. — Ron Richards

Being present means just that. Feeling your feelings as they come up. Experiencing your sensations as they occur. — Callisto Media

Whenever we see an unprotected piece we must keep our eyes peeled because this is one of the most important ingredients of a combination. — Jacob Aagaard

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. — Jack Benny

It's not that I'm not grateful for all this attention. It's just that fame and fortune ought to add up to more than fame and fortune. — Robert Fulghum

And all I know is, you've got to give me everything. Nothing less 'cause, you know I give you all of me. — Gwen Stefani

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." — Mitch Hedberg

My love's got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Money feels funny in my hands. If I give you this slice of paper, you let me on the bus? It's ridiculous. — Cameron Jace

Men are not amusing during the shooting season; but, after all, my dear, men were not especially designed to amuse women. — Gertrude Atherton

I think with 'Chunky Rice,' it felt novel to me to give this emo twist on these funny animals. — Craig Thompson