George Carlin Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational George Carlin quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. — George Carlin

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin

Your home is your refuge. — George Carlin

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? — George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. — George Carlin

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. — George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. — George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. — George Carlin

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown. — George Carlin

Today, I want to tell you about little Danny Pendejo. — George Carlin

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section. — George Carlin

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies ... without an oven. — George Carlin

Life is not that complicated. — George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin

Language always gives you away. — George Carlin

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. — George Carlin

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! — George Carlin

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes. — George Carlin

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. — George Carlin

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! — George Carlin

Jesus was a cross-dresser. — George Carlin

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. — George Carlin

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. — George Carlin

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. — George Carlin

I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way. — George Carlin

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. — George Carlin

The older you get, the better you realize you were. — George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. — George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? — George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living. — George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. — George Carlin

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right. — George Carlin

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." — George Carlin

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? — George Carlin

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of
government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. — George Carlin

The seven words George Carlin said you couldn't say on TV or radio ("fuck," "piss," "shit," "cunt," "motherfucker," "cocksucker," and "tits"). — Mary Norris

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. — George Carlin

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick. — George Carlin

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan. — George Carlin

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. — George Carlin

I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind. — George Carlin

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet. — George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are. — George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. — George Carlin

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. — George Carlin

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back. — George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? — George Carlin

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. — George Carlin

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? — George Carlin

There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself. — George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. — George Carlin

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. — George Carlin

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. — George Carlin

I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius. — George Carlin

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? — George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. — George Carlin

And now gay people want to get married ... Haven't they suffered enough? — George Carlin

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. — George Carlin

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? — George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet. — George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. — George Carlin

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room? — George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine. — George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning. — George Carlin

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. — George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym? — George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. — George Carlin

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails. — George Carlin

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. — George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's. — George Carlin

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. — George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? — George Carlin

We're all fucked. It helps to remember this. — George Carlin

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to. — George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? — George Carlin

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war. — George Carlin

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? — George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin

Where do we get our values from? — George Carlin

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. — George Carlin

Sometimes a little brain damage can help. — George Carlin

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. — George Carlin

Fuck rational thought — George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple. — George Carlin

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. — George Carlin

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin

Most people are not particularly good at anything. — George Carlin

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven. — George Carlin

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home. — George Carlin

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. — George Carlin