George Carlin Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about George Carlin
George Carlin Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational George Carlin quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
— George Carlin
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
— George Carlin
Your home is your refuge.
— George Carlin
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
— George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
— George Carlin
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
— George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
— George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
— George Carlin
Today, I want to tell you about little Danny Pendejo.
— George Carlin
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
— George Carlin
Life is not that complicated.
— George Carlin
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
— George Carlin
Language always gives you away.
— George Carlin
Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!
— George Carlin
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
— George Carlin
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
— George Carlin
Jesus was a cross-dresser.
— George Carlin
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
— George Carlin
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
— George Carlin
E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.
— George Carlin
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
— George Carlin
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
— George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
— George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
— George Carlin
Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.
— George Carlin
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
— George Carlin
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
— George Carlin
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
— George Carlin
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
— George Carlin
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
— George Carlin
Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose ofgovernment intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. — George Carlin
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
— George Carlin
In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
— George Carlin
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
— George Carlin
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
— George Carlin
I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
— George Carlin
The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
— George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
— George Carlin
Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.
— George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
— George Carlin
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
— George Carlin
There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
— George Carlin
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
— George Carlin
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
— George Carlin
I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
— George Carlin
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
— George Carlin
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
— George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
— George Carlin
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
— George Carlin
Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?
— George Carlin
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
— George Carlin
Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.
— George Carlin
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
— George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
— George Carlin
Is there another word for synonym?
— George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
— George Carlin
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
— George Carlin
We're all fucked. It helps to remember this.
— George Carlin
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
— George Carlin
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
— George Carlin
All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
— George Carlin
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
— George Carlin
Where do we get our values from?
— George Carlin
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
— George Carlin
Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
— George Carlin
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
— George Carlin
Fuck rational thought
— George Carlin
A pear is a failed apple.
— George Carlin
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
— George Carlin
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
— George Carlin
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
— George Carlin
