Funny Tim Vine Quotes: top 38 famous quotes about Funny Tim Vine

Funny Tim Vine Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Tim Vine quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" — Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... — Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine

It's a shadelight. Some of my men put one up whenever I lose a member of the crew. To light his shade's way back to his bunk, so he can rest. — Jim Butcher

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." — Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. — Tim Vine

Life is too short to have anything but delusional notions about yourself. — Gene Simmons

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. — Tim Vine

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' — Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". — Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

I have rarely met a musical I haven't liked. — James Snyder

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

There is nothing beginning nor end to the imagination but it delights in its own seasons reversing the usual order at will. — William Carlos Williams

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. — Tim Vine

Our belief in God is not blind faith. Belief is having a firm conviction something is true, not hoping it's true. — Max Lucado

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong. — Milton Berle

Skill is in your mind.
Talent is in your heart.
Genius is in your soul. — Matshona Dhliwayo

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine

Pansy," Murphy sneered.
Thomas leered at her. "You make my stamen tingle when you talk like that, Sergeant. — Jim Butcher

#Note: There is a wonder to life. Pursue it. Hunt for it. Your goal is not to live long ... it's to live! — Milan Jed

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. — Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. — Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. — Will Rogers

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage. — Dana Gould

We believe in the dignity of every life, the possibility of every mind, the divinity of every soul. This is our true North. — Elizabeth Dole

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. — Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine

The first 12-string guitar I bought was probably around 1957. — Roger McGuinn

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." — Tim Vine