Funny Sex Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Sex

Funny Sex Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Sex quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy! — Adam Carolla

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. — Woody Allen

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? — Margaret Atwood

I don't know why sex and Sensex appear so similar when experts try to define them! — Saurabh Sharma

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield

She's so elderly that I'm sure she was alive before sex was invented. She conceived Mick's Dad by shaking hands with a stork. — Charlotte Stein

I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical. — Nora Roberts

What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards. — Milos Forman

There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies. — Santosh Kalwar

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind. — Seanan McGuire

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield

You're not celibate, then?" I breathe.
Amusement lights up his eyes.
"No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate. — E.L. James

There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television. — Gore Vidal

I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore. — Nenia Campbell

Fuck, Christina."
"Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that. — Nenia Campbell

Whenever anyone finds out there are seven kids in my family, the imagine my mom and dad having sex. — Rachel DeWoskin

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars? — Bob Saget

That's the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears. — Anthony Lane

If he didn't want to be mauled by a sex-starved woman who hadn't gotten any skin in months, he'd better keep his hands to himself. — Jody Wallace

Sex is Number 1 of my Top-10 joys in retirement. Number 2 is reading How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I forgot the other eight. — Ernie J Zelinski

I bet she likes it hard, from behind, probably likes to get spanked too. I mean, just look at her, she has a serious come-fuck-me-face. — Ida Lokas

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen

It's funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I'm not that. I don't want to be that. — Kellan Lutz

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.' — Adam Ferrara

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift. — Adam Ferrara

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

I've done so many sex scenes in my life and it's much easier to do a funny sex scene than a sex scene that is supposed to look like it feels. — Stellan Skarsgard

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much. — Aristotle.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!! — Billy Connolly

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? — Stephen Colbert

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound. — M.F. Moonzajer

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine! — Kensington Gore

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way - contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I do not understand this man," [Tempi] said. "Is he attempting to buy sex with me? Or does he wish to fight? — Patrick Rothfuss

I don't have sex drive ... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. — Louis C.K.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. — Bob Monkhouse

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez
talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. — E.L. James

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me — Jon Ronson

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.
The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer — Belle De Jour

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Like all great adventures, this one started with someone trying to get laid. King Menelaus didn't go to Troy for the baklava. — Mark Leiren-Young

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle

Six minutes isn't sex," I hear him
saying as my eyes crash shut. "Six
minutes is a boiled egg. — Sophie Kinsella

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. — Tallulah Bankhead

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. — George Mikes

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. — Eddie Izzard

They call me Domino for obvious reasons. One nudge in the right direction and I'm flat on my stomach. — Charlie Cochrane

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil). — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It's funny to me how a man can do all the dirt in the world and the only way they know how to fix it is with sex. — Demettrea

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. — Sophia Loren

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

He's my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I'd love to kill him for that. — Dean Koontz

If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us? — Tina Fey

Tuck's home, so I suggest we use our indoor voices. — Elle Kennedy

The cybernetic operation?"
"No, the sex change."
The doctor's smile faltered.
"I'm joking. — Marissa Meyer

The hotness of a sex scene lies in the loins of the beholder. — J.Leigh Hunter

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there. — Carol Leifer

The physical mechanics of sex are pretty funny unless you are engaged in them. Then they are, of course, marvelous. — Charlton Heston

Children think sex is funny — Joe Brainard

People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh? — Hector Himeros

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf. — Karl Pilkington

Go take a shower, you smell like good sex and unnecessary regret. — Cassandra Giovanni

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off? — Parker S. Huntington

It's a funny thing sensing someone else's sex drive. After a while, you get to mistaking it for your own. — Haruki Murakami

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic. — Charles Barkley

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping. — Lisa Lampanelli

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts. — Anita Clenney

Stop giggling and squirming and take it like a man.
Sam to Jory during sex — Mary Calmes

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time. — Brian Wilson

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. — Stephen Schneider

Every sex scene is always, without a doubt, terribly funny. — Katee Sackhoff

She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche. — Larissa Ione

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores. — Kelly Moran

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends. — Adam Ferrara

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!' — Dave Attell

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude? — Robin Williams

What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes. — Charles Bukowski

Why had she set limits like no sex? I want sex. — Cherise Sinclair

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. — Steven Wright

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. — Marilyn Monroe

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?" — Jimmy Carr

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex. — Bill Russell

I'm good at blowjob. — Lauren Baker

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason — Mason Cooley

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR. — Zig Ziglar