Funny Saw Quotes

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack, since thou saw'st thien own knee? — William Shakespeare

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. — Dane Cook

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." — Franklyn Ajaye

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill. — Charlie Sheen

When I was a kid, I read comics. But when I saw how funny it was, and how wonderfully absurd, I said, "You know, I gotta do this." — Adam West

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?" — Tommy Cooper

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. — Steven Wright

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa. — Molly Harper

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. — Suzanne Collins

I never saw myself as a comedian. I saw myself as a guy who can act funny. — Charlie Day

The person who proclaimed me Best Dressed Man never saw me in my sport outfit. — Robert Pattinson

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. — Tucker Max

I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: Fuck me he's a earthbender. — Ben Aaronovitch

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on. — Alex Winter

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do. — Billy Crystal

What they saw was a hero baby. That's what you are. A survivor. A strong woman. Beautiful... Funny as hell... Sexy... Sweet... — Lucian Bane

It's funny, but I never knew I was hot or could be beautiful until I saw 'Basic Instinct,' and I was so shocked when I saw how pretty they made me. — Sharon Stone

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size. — Diane Messidoro

I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson

I played myself in an Aziz Ansari comedy, and that was funny to see how they saw me ... flowing scarves and a flourish of pink! Eek! — Colin Salmon

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. — Russell Howard

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda — Steven Wright

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." — Mitch Hedberg

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' — Demetri Martin

Laurence the last time I saw something like you I flushed it away. — Mark A. Cooper

Do you think to yourself, 'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?' — Les Dennis

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool. — Bo Burnham

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. — Tim McCarver

Funny how when I was in this room, I breathed easier. When I saw her, the muscles in my shoulders loosened. I could just ... be myself. — Jenny B. Jones

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. — Jimmy Fallon

You 'accidentally' touched his bottom? Didn't that happen when you last saw him as
well? Surprising how often that seems to be a problem. — Twisted Hilarity

Are you kidding me? The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana. — TheFlamingPopsicle

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating. — Adam Carolla

The first time I saw a mermaid in my dream, and she looked so real...THAT.'s fishy!! — Ana Claudia Antunes