Funny Man Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Funny Man

Funny Man Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Man quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" — Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. — Rita Rudner

Every man plays the fool once in his live, but to marry is playing the fool all one's life long. — William Congreve

Old man with an old phone. That's never not funny. — Adam McKay

Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes. — Lyndon B. Johnson

A man who does not think and plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door. — Confucius

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife. — E.W. Howe

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. — Rita Rudner

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man. — Robertson Davies

Good cops make their bosses look good, and Hector was a one-man beauty school. — Edward Conlon

I judge how much a man cares for a woman by the space he allots her under a jointly shared umbrella. — Jimmy Cannon

Very nice and funny, but he put the 'or' in man-whore. — J. Lynn

Alright, manly man," he says. "Go prove that you're a man. — Jessica Sorensen

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed! — Hunter S. Thompson

A company is known by the people it keeps. — Will Rogers

Every man should marry - and no woman — Benjamin Disraeli

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them. — Mae West

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. — Ogden Nash

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. — Lois Greiman

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor. — Anthony Jeselnik

You look like a horse in a man costume — Dylan Moran

It's not common for a woman on television, especially if she's the mom of the family, to be funny. She's usually a straight man or foil. — Martha Plimpton

Cowboy!" she hollered.
Every man on the street turned to stare at her."
pg.117 — Lori Wilde

I am two lesbians in a man's body. — Eddie Izzard

Say, Cuttino. What are those Godawful clothes you're wearing? Man, this ain't Rhode Island anymore. You're in the NBA. The girls have teeth here. — Charles Barkley

Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?
Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock. — George R R Martin

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" — Henny Youngman

They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind. — Noel Fielding

Well, go on then, Abby; run along and let the nice man compromise you. — Anne Gracie

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" — Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities. — Jonathan Friesen

The risk I took was calculated, but, man, am I bad at math! — Unknown

Man, my girl is one tough chick when she wants to be. I wonder if it has something to do with those
big, comfy granny panties she's got on. — Simone Elkeles

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job. — Christian Bale

"And then we played Ping-Pong - "
"Not pool? I always assumed he was a billiards man - I mean, it's so handy the way he keeps a stick up his - — Claire LaZebnik

My persona has always been what a man was never supposed to be. Outrageous, gregarious, crazy, silly, funny. — Richard Simmons

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys." — Mitch Hedberg

And there's the man in the green flag! — Murray Walker

Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that. — Ashley Purdy

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged — Terry Pratchett

Even Nature is observed to have her playful moods or aspects, of which man sometimes seems to be the sport. — Henry David Thoreau

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge. — Clarence Darrow

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

That's worst than gonerreha, man! — Ned Vizzini

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. — Nia Vardalos

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich. — Habeeb Akande

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone. — James M. Barrie

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. — Robert Frost

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly. — Eugene Ormandy

Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle. — Steve Coogan

I used to laugh at that old wheeze about a man wanting his son to be better than he was, but as I get older it seems less funny and more true. — Stephen King

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid. — Frank Carson

Terribly sad news about Stuart Cable, such a lovely, warm, funny, talented man. — Rob Brydon

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." — Mitch Hedberg

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man. — Santosh Kalwar

This man dresses like an unmade bed. — Henny Youngman

In a man, I like funny guys. A guy who doesn't have a lot of therapy, who's mature. A man, not a boy. — Maura Tierney

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard. — Wendelin Van Draanen

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

Nevertheless, he was already a sick man. He had gotten more than gas at Bill Hapscomb's Texaco. And he gave Harry Trent more than a speeding summons. — Stephen King

Money is what makes a man act funny. — Eminem

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman

I could pull off a 'man', but never, quite, a 'dude'. — Adrian Barnes

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife. — Bob Phillips

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run. — Milton Jones

Chris Rock is a very funny man. — Willie Geist

A man who views the world the same ... — Muhammad Ali

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange! — Charles Dickens

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

Y are you called the cheese man? — Barbara Park

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman

Woman: You certainly know the way to a man's heart.
Mae West: Funny, too, 'cause I don't know how to cook. — Mae West

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man". — Russell Beland

Most man can think no better than a child! This fact perfectly explains why there are so many funny beliefs! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

Man, Grandma, what big hair you have."
"The better to style with, my dear. — Neal Shusterman

There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. — Jake Wizner

Every man has a sane spot somewhere. — Robert Louis Stevenson

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board. — Stephen King

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde

Dallas popped his jaw. I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man. — Gena Showalter

I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be funny without being dirty. — Jonathan Winters

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

I wrote an entire movie [Man up] about how important I think voices are, so it was funny. — Lake Bell

This is a young man who is only 25, and you have to say, her has answered every question that has ever been asked. — David Coleman

It's funny, because I'm a man of strong opinions and when I make one, I stand by it even if it starts to appear incorrect to me after a while. — Danny Bonaduce

There have been man-on-the-street interviews for years, but insulting people is not that funny to me. — Billy Eichner

My baby is weird man ... when he get mad, he gets in the oven. — Kevin Hart

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. — Mark Twain

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? — Margaret Smith