Funny Ex Wife Quotes: top 34 famous quotes about Funny Ex Wife

Funny Ex Wife Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Ex Wife quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years. — Tom Smothers

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. — Chic Murray

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife. — E.W. Howe

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. — R.R. Virdi

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried. — Charles Caleb Colton

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say. — Alfred Hitchcock

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. — Richard Belzer

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton

I got me a fine wife and I got me old fiddle, when the suns coming up I got cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing, but a funny, funny riddle. — John Denver

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents. — James Herriot

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it. — Walter Matthau

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield

My biggest influence is someone I really don't know at all: Tina Fey. Smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, also a mom and a wife. — Laura Benanti

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield

There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. — Jake Wizner

You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife. — Lisa Kleypas

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife ! — Akbar

Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife — Ruth Downie

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! — Rodney Dangerfield

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife. — Bob Phillips

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her. — Mark Consuelos

Penard's got a secret baby!' Fifteen-year-old Richard twisted his lips up at one end. 'Maybe he has a secret wife in the attic! — Olivia Newport

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson