Funny Dave Quotes: top 70 famous quotes about Funny Dave

Funny Dave Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Funny Dave quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocuted. I do this when I'm very happy. — Dave Eggers

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny. — Dave Barry

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong, somebody's heart is broken, and it becomes your favorite song. — Dave Matthews Band

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... — Dave Barry

Funny how you never forget the girls from school, huh? — Dave Franklin

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down! — Dave Chappelle

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant. — Dave Chappelle

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat. — Dave Attell

As funny as it sounds, the best thing I got out of making a solo record was to realize how much I love being in a band. — Dave Pirner

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. — Dave Moulton

The clocks are all turned forward from Funny Time to Right Time. I always remember, Spring back or Fall in. — Dave Beard

It's funny, there aren't too many musicians that also moonlight as studio engineers. There's a few - the really brilliant ones. — Dave Grohl

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. — Dave Barry

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry

What's funny in 'The Mayor of MacDougal Street' is how Dave Van Ronk talks a lot about the time and how exciting it was and how electric it was. — Oscar Isaac

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. — Dave Attell

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how — Dave Barry

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards." — Dave Barry

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried. — Dave Chappelle

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks! — Dave Chappelle

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation. — Dave Attell

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy? — Ysabeau S. Wilce

Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was. — Dave Barry

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver. — Dave Barry

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. — Dave Attell

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one. — Dave Courtney

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me? — Dave Attell

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas. — Dave Attell

Nickelback walks into a bar ... there's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny. — Dave Grohl

The funny thing is that I had never actually watched TV. — Dave Willis

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa. — Dave Chappelle

Kissing babies and hugging fat girls. — Dave Bautista

maybe somebody finally shot the dog. — Dave Barry

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe. — Dave Barry

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. — Dave Barry

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out. — Dave Attell

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. — Dave Barry

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way. — Dave Barry

San Francisco has a flowers-in-your-hair kind of vibe, while Chicago's got this very funny, big-city/small-town coolness to it. — Dave Matthews

With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres! — Jerry Coleman

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. — Dave Attell

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. — Dave Barry

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. — Dave Grohl

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you. — Dave Barry

I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for stupidity. - Weisshaupt — Dave Sim

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed. — Dave Chappelle

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life. — Dave Attell

The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston. — Jerry Coleman

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn." — Dave Barry

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? — Dave Chappelle

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator. — Dave Chappelle

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!' — Dave Attell

But as far as being popular, yeah, I think Dave Barry is really funny. — Jonathan Franzen

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack. — Dave Chappelle

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. — Dave Barry

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. — Dave Barry

The way this country deals with drugs is just not funny. What a waste of everyone's time and effort. What a waste of a lot of people's lives. — Dave Barry

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it. — Dave Chappelle

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. — Dave Barry

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962. — Dave Barry

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there. — Dave Attell

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants — Dave Beard

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. — Dave Mordal