Fred Allen Quotes: top 86 famous quotes about Fred Allen

Fred Allen Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Fred Allen quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. — Fred Allen

An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. — Fred Allen

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument. — Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. — Fred Allen

You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough. — Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. — Fred Allen

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. — Fred Allen

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs. — Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. — Fred Allen

I'm a huge fan of Alice Hoffman, Fred Chappell and Susan Elizabeth Phillips. — Sarah Addison Allen

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips. — Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. — Fred Allen

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter. — Fred Allen

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it. — Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. — Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. — Fred Allen

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. — Fred Allen

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone. — Fred Allen

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. — Fred Allen

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. — Fred Allen

Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done. — Fred Allen

Television is the triumph of machine over people. — Fred Allen

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. — Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. — Fred Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. — Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. — Fred Allen

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself. — Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange. — Fred Allen

A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal. — Fred Allen

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station. — Fred Allen

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it. — Fred Allen

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret. — Fred Allen

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama. — Fred Allen

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back. — Fred Allen

A group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done — Fred Allen

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it. — Fred Allen

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches. — Fred Allen

The world is a grindstone and life is your nose — Fred Allen

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. — Fred Allen

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose. — Fred Allen

In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises. — Fred Allen

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. — Fred Allen

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange. — Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. — Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. — Fred Allen

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now. — Fred Allen

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. — Fred Allen

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. — Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. — Fred Allen

To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it. — Fred Allen

He's so small, he's a waste of skin. — Fred Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. — Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. — Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. — Fred Allen

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. — Fred Allen

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play. — Fred Allen

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. — Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. — Fred Allen

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now. — Fred Allen

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. — Fred Allen

Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. — Fred Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange. — Fred Allen

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. — Fred Allen

It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue. — Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. — Fred Allen

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. — Fred Allen

If children could vote, Jesse Jackson would be our next president. — Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. — Fred Allen

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve. — Fred Allen

The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle. — Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. — Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. — Fred Allen

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat. — Fred Allen

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners. — Fred Allen

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. — Fred Allen

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins. — Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. — Fred Allen

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. — Fred Allen

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents. — Fred Allen

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. — Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. — Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. — Fred Allen

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. — Fred Allen

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down. — Fred Allen