Demetri's Quotes
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Demetri's Quotes & Sayings
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
— Demetri Martin
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.
— Demetri Martin
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
— Demetri Martin
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
— Demetri Martin
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ...
— Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
— Demetri Martin
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
— Demetri Martin
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.
— Demetri Martin
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.
— Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
— Demetri Martin
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
— Demetri Martin
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
— Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
— Demetri Martin
How To Read This BookIf you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are. — Demetri Martin
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
— Demetri Martin
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
— Demetri Martin
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
— Demetri Martin
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
— Demetri Martin
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.
— Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
— Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
— Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
— Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
— Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
— Demetri Martin
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
— Demetri Martin
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
— Demetri Martin
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
— Demetri Martin
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
— Demetri Martin
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
— Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
— Demetri Martin
At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.
— Demetri Martin
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
— Demetri Martin
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
— Demetri Martin
A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.
— Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
— Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.
— Demetri Martin
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
— Demetri Martin
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
— Demetri Martin
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
— Demetri Martin
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
— Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
— Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
— Demetri Martin
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
— Demetri Martin
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
— Demetri Martin
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
— Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
— Demetri Martin
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
— Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
— Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
— Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
— Demetri Martin
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
— Demetri Martin
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
— Demetri Martin
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
— Demetri Martin
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
— Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
— Demetri Martin
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
— Demetri Martin
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
— Demetri Martin
Once I started to look i finally began to see.
— Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
— Demetri Martin
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
— Demetri Martin
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
— Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
— Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
— Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
— Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?..
— Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
— Demetri Martin
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions ... and comparisons.
— Demetri Martin
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies.
— Demetri Martin
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.
— Demetri Martin
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
— Demetri Martin
Most stick people are black.
— Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
— Demetri Martin
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
— Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
— Demetri Martin
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
— Demetri Martin
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
— Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
— Demetri Martin
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.
— Demetri Martin
The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.
— Demetri Martin
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
— Demetri Martin
A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.
— Demetri Martin
