Demetri's Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Demetri's

Demetri's Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Demetri's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear. — Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party. — Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. — Demetri Martin

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ... — Demetri Martin

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business. — Demetri Martin

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. — Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention. — Demetri Martin

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. — Demetri Martin

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting. — Demetri Martin

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious. — Demetri Martin

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face. — Demetri Martin

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful. — Demetri Martin

How To Read This Book
If you're reading this sentence then you've pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are. — Demetri Martin

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. — Demetri Martin

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. — Demetri Martin

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples! — Demetri Martin

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. — Demetri Martin

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. — Demetri Martin

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' — Demetri Martin

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons. — Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. — Demetri Martin

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. — Demetri Martin

Let no man's deathbed be a futon. — Demetri Martin

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. — Demetri Martin

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. — Demetri Martin

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location. — Demetri Martin

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. — Demetri Martin

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two. — Demetri Martin

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience. — Demetri Martin

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets. — Demetri Martin

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows. — Demetri Martin

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands. — Demetri Martin

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive. — Demetri Martin

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it. — Demetri Martin

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. — Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'. — Demetri Martin

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag. — Demetri Martin

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' — Demetri Martin

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up. — Demetri Martin

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target. — Demetri Martin

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. — Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. — Demetri Martin

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty. — Demetri Martin

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. — Demetri Martin

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. — Demetri Martin

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. — Demetri Martin

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you — Demetri Martin

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). — Demetri Martin

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. — Demetri Martin

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family. — Demetri Martin

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. — Demetri Martin

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball. — Demetri Martin

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying. — Demetri Martin

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. — Demetri Martin

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. — Demetri Martin

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person. — Demetri Martin

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy. — Demetri Martin

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast? — Demetri Martin

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. — Demetri Martin

Once I started to look i finally began to see. — Demetri Martin

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' — Demetri Martin

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess. — Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. — Demetri Martin

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. — Demetri Martin

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. — Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes. — Demetri Martin

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins. — Demetri Martin

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?.. — Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. — Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. — Demetri Martin

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions ... and comparisons. — Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies. — Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. — Demetri Martin

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single. — Demetri Martin

Most stick people are black. — Demetri Martin

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. — Demetri Martin

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. — Demetri Martin

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen. — Demetri Martin

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. — Demetri Martin

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. — Demetri Martin

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave. — Demetri Martin

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued. — Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. — Demetri Martin

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. — Demetri Martin

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me. — Demetri Martin

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. — Demetri Martin

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago. — Demetri Martin

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room ... can even bring things to a climax. — Demetri Martin