Christopher Titus Quotes
Collection of top 89 famous quotes about Christopher Titus
Christopher Titus Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Christopher Titus quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
— Christopher Titus
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
— Christopher Titus
You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
— Christopher Titus
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
— Christopher Titus
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
— Christopher Titus
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
— Christopher Titus
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
— Christopher Titus
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
— Christopher Titus
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
— Christopher Titus
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium.
— Christopher Titus
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
— Christopher Titus
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
— Christopher Titus
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
— Christopher Titus
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.
— Christopher Titus
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
— Christopher Titus
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
— Christopher Titus
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
— Christopher Titus
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
— Christopher Titus
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
— Christopher Titus
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
— Christopher Titus
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
— Christopher Titus
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
— Christopher Titus
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
— Christopher Titus
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
— Christopher Titus
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
— Christopher Titus
If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend!
— Christopher Titus
I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
— Christopher Titus
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
— Christopher Titus
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
— Christopher Titus
I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
— Christopher Titus
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
— Christopher Titus
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
— Christopher Titus
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!
— Christopher Titus
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
— Christopher Titus
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
— Christopher Titus
Born free. Taxed to death.
— Christopher Titus
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
— Christopher Titus
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
— Christopher Titus
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
— Christopher Titus
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
— Christopher Titus
Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.
— Christopher Titus
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
— Christopher Titus
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
— Christopher Titus
After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
— Christopher Titus
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
— Christopher Titus
Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
— Christopher Titus
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
— Christopher Titus
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
— Christopher Titus
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
— Christopher Titus
God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
— Christopher Titus
A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
— Christopher Titus
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
— Christopher Titus
Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
— Christopher Titus
Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
— Christopher Titus
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
— Christopher Titus
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
— Christopher Titus
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
— Christopher Titus
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
— Christopher Titus
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
— Christopher Titus
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
— Christopher Titus
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
— Christopher Titus
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
— Christopher Titus
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
— Christopher Titus
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
— Christopher Titus
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
— Christopher Titus
I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
— Christopher Titus
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
— Christopher Titus
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
— Christopher Titus
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
— Christopher Titus
Step up or step aside.
— Christopher Titus
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... "
— Christopher Titus
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce ... because that's what a soul weighs.
— Christopher Titus
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
— Christopher Titus
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011 ... You just look like a retard, man.
— Christopher Titus
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
— Christopher Titus
Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
— Christopher Titus
If you ask my dad for help ... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
— Christopher Titus
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
— Christopher Titus
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
— Christopher Titus
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
— Christopher Titus
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
— Christopher Titus
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family ...
— Christopher Titus
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
— Christopher Titus
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
— Christopher Titus
Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
— Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
— Christopher Titus
