Christmas Humor Quotes: top 39 famous quotes about Christmas Humor

Christmas Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Christmas Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes. — Janet Evanovich

Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour. — Augusten Burroughs

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for? — Salman Rushdie

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt. — Candace Jane Kringle

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield

Right. I can see it now. Merry Christmas, everybody! And by the way, did I tell you I'm a vampire? No need to pass the gravy, just bare your neck- — Kerrelyn Sparks

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma'am. I'm not worth more than fifteen. — Margaret Brownley

What do you think of Christmas?"
"I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year. — Liz Flaherty

Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure — Lemony Snicket

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said. — Miriam Toews

Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning. — Alan Bradley

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. — Carroll Bryant

They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!! — Neil Leckman

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik

If I hired one of the stock boys to chase me around the store with a licorice whip, I'd be thin by Christmas. — Jennette Fulda

Gazzy sniffed the air. "That's explosives. It smells like Christmas!"
Okay, so we've had somewhat untraditional Christmases. With explosives. — James Patterson

The Christmas Tree, I swear, is so large it looks like it gave birth to the one in Rockefeller Center. — Julie Sarff

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already! — Jay Asher

I am the ghost of Christmas futures, George! — Fredrik Backman

My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom. — James Aquilone

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included. — Bernard Manning

You can't pull a gun just because a crazy person wants to talk to you. If I did that I'd never get through a family Christmas. — Marc MacYoung

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least. — Theric Jepson

This boy turkied my Thanksgiving, but I won't let him Grinch my Christmas. -Dean Hughes (Midway to Heaven) — Dean Hughes

Thomas Bowman's toupee, alas, was never found. He was somewhat mollified by the gift of a very fine hat from Westcliff on Christmas day. — Lisa Kleypas

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. — Dave Barry

Payback takes many forms but from the business-end of a Christmas turkey isn't a form I would've bet on... — Jonathan Dunne

Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!
- The Doctor, Season 7, Christmas Special — Steven Moffat

God, she was convinced, would look the other way. It was Christmas after all. — Dahlia Schweitzer

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me. — Sophie Avett

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups. — Oliver Markus

I'm so glad I put a hot, naked guy on my Christmas wish list. I just didn't think Santa would actually deliver one. — Patricia W. Fischer

You have more balls than a Christmas tree. — Danielle Steel

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest. — Richelle Mead

There's no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor's yard. — Dan Florence

Without the door let sorrow lie,
And if for cold it hap to die,
We'll bury 't in a Christmas pie,
And evermore be merry. — George Wither

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas. — Winston Graham

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane! — Ellery Adams