Carlin's Quotes
Collection of top 100 famous quotes about Carlin's
Carlin's Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Carlin's quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
— George Carlin
Mother's milk leads to everything.
— George Carlin
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
— George Carlin
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
— George Carlin
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
— George Carlin
For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.
— George Carlin
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
— George Carlin
You have to have other things in your life apart from swimming to focus on. It's not going to be just swimming in my life.
— Jazmin Carlin
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
— George Carlin
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.
— George Carlin
That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
— George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
— George Carlin
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
— George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
— George Carlin
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
— George Carlin
I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
— George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
— George Carlin
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.
— George Carlin
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
— George Carlin
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.
— George Carlin
Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
— George Carlin
No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
— George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
— George Carlin
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.
— George Carlin
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
— George Carlin
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
— George Carlin
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
— George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
— George Carlin
I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.
— George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
— George Carlin
It's never just a game when you're winning.
— George Carlin
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
— George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
— George Carlin
You get to play with people's little danger zones.
— George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
— George Carlin
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
— George Carlin
Don't just teach your children to read ... Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything. — George Carlin
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
— George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
— George Carlin
The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.
— George Carlin
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
— George Carlin
But even Carlin's words had no weight when fury washed over Kelsea; it was a tide that cleared all obstacles.
— Erika Johansen
Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.
— George Carlin
Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning
— George Carlin
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
— George Carlin
I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.
— George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
— George Carlin
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
— George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
— George Carlin
The highway's closed at a certain point. You have a certain amount of miles that you can make. It's a recognition of mortality.
— Peter Ames Carlin
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
— George Carlin
I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.
— George Carlin
I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.
— George Carlin
In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.
— George Carlin
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
— George Carlin
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
— George Carlin
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
— George Carlin
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
— George Carlin
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
— George Carlin
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
— George Carlin
I wanna live. I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade
— George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
— George Carlin
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
— George Carlin
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
— George Carlin
Carlin often said that history was everything, for it was in man's nature to make the same mistakes over and over.
— Erika Johansen
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. — George Carlin
Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
— George Carlin
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
— Steven Wright
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
— George Carlin
I'm a big fan of George Carlin's.
— Brian Van Holt
Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.
— George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
— George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
— George Carlin
