Best Jeselnik Quotes
Collection of top 32 famous quotes about Best Jeselnik
Best Jeselnik Quotes & Sayings
Happy to read and share the best inspirational Best Jeselnik quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.
Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
— Anthony Jeselnik
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
— Anthony Jeselnik
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
— Anthony Jeselnik
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
— Anthony Jeselnik
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
— Anthony Jeselnik
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
— Anthony Jeselnik
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
— Anthony Jeselnik
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
— Anthony Jeselnik
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
— Anthony Jeselnik
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
— Anthony Jeselnik
