Best Hedberg Quotes: top 30 famous quotes about Best Hedberg

Best Hedberg Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Best Hedberg quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. — Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. — Mitch Hedberg

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. — Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? — Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle." — Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. — Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah.' — Mitch Hedberg

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. — Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. — Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. — Mitch Hedberg

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? — Mitch Hedberg

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!" — Mitch Hedberg

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time ... and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!" — Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers ... NOPE ... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg