When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?! 
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father. 
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor. 
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely. 
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry! 
You haven't lived until you've died in California 
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose? 
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind. 
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even. 
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac. 
I'm a radical, and I always have been. 
I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid. 
Obama is running again for spite. 
Mort Sahl, while attending a preview of Otto Preminger's film Exodus, stood up and called out, Otto, let my people go! 
New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already. 
We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man 
The bravest thing that men do is love women. 
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason. 
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy. 
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers. 
I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story. 
I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical! 
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet. 
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness. 
You know me, I love lost causes. 
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference. 
I found people looked better when they laughed 
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost. 
The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department. 
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically. 
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. 
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater? 
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize? 
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others. 
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred. 
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely. 
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing. 
You don't know what you think unless you say it. 
Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual. 
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn? 
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times. 
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. 
Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup? 
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution ... looking for a loophole. 
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad. 