Jon Stewart quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jon Stewart on Wise Famous Quotes.

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.

Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights as someone else.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I watch a lot of astronaut movies ... Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.

Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

The government that governs best, governs best!

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president ... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.

I feel like [God]'s hazing us.

Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns ... the writers are back!

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

I only quote Rabbinical text .. there is no dark secret .. there is no hidden agenda .. I'm merely an arbiter of biblical law.

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips ... no Congress can make just one.

Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.