Joan Rivers Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Joan Rivers on Wise Famous Quotes.

Joan Rivers quotes: Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour. Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.
Joan Rivers quotes: We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak. We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
Joan Rivers quotes: [When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four. [When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers quotes: Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers quotes: Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Joan Rivers quotes: You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials. You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
Joan Rivers quotes: To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner. To maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
Joan Rivers quotes: I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out . I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .
Joan Rivers quotes: The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery. The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers quotes: Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers quotes: I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters. I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party. I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
Joan Rivers quotes: Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh. Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.
Joan Rivers quotes: Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life. Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan Rivers quotes: Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers quotes: After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers quotes: Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion. Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.
Joan Rivers quotes: Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce. Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
Joan Rivers quotes: Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target. Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers quotes: Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers quotes: I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'. I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.
Joan Rivers quotes: The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die. The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge. I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
Joan Rivers quotes: What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me. What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
Joan Rivers quotes: The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers quotes: Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
Joan Rivers quotes: I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry. I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers quotes: Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
Joan Rivers quotes: The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor, The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor,
Joan Rivers quotes: I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers quotes: How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard. How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers quotes: My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers quotes: The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it. The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.
Joan Rivers quotes: Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny. Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
Joan Rivers quotes: Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending. Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.
Joan Rivers quotes: My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers quotes: Happiness, at my age, is breathing Happiness, at my age, is breathing
Joan Rivers quotes: I just love acting. I just love acting.
Joan Rivers quotes: I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house. I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers quotes: My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples! My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!
Joan Rivers quotes: I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it. I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
Joan Rivers quotes: To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train. To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers quotes: With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace. With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers quotes: I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers quotes: Show business can be an addiction ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months. Show business can be an addiction ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
Joan Rivers quotes: I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers quotes: My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers quotes: Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me. Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.
Joan Rivers quotes: My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers quotes: [Signature phrase:] Can we talk? [Signature phrase:] Can we talk?
Joan Rivers quotes: Two is company; three is fifty bucks. Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers quotes: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
Joan Rivers quotes: If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others
Joan Rivers quotes: My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater. I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.
Joan Rivers quotes: Every television show you go on is a choice. Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers quotes: My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating
Joan Rivers quotes: You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers quotes: My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers quotes: Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers. Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.
Joan Rivers quotes: I am furious about everything. I am furious about everything.
Joan Rivers quotes: If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
Joan Rivers quotes: I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter. I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
Joan Rivers quotes: When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from. When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
Joan Rivers quotes: We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
Joan Rivers quotes: Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker? Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers quotes: What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care. What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Joan Rivers quotes: I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing. I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
Joan Rivers quotes: It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog. It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.
Joan Rivers quotes: The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life. The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Joan Rivers quotes: We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn, We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn,
Joan Rivers quotes: I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven. I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers quotes: My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller. My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers quotes: I was a Brownie Scout mother. I was a Brownie Scout mother.
Joan Rivers quotes: I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck. I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.
Joan Rivers quotes: The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark. The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers quotes: It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride. It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
Joan Rivers quotes: No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
Joan Rivers quotes: Having a baby is definitely a labor of love. Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
Joan Rivers quotes: If you don't think you're funny, no one else will. If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.
Joan Rivers quotes: In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers quotes: When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers quotes: Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even. Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'm never without a bandage. I'm never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers quotes: Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own. Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
Joan Rivers quotes: I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers quotes: Looking 50 is great, if you're 60. Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
Joan Rivers quotes: Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better. Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better.
Joan Rivers quotes: I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
Joan Rivers quotes: I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it's baby mommas. I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it's baby mommas.
Joan Rivers quotes: I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs. I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
Joan Rivers quotes: I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older. I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers quotes: I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
Joan Rivers quotes: Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on ... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet! Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on ... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers quotes: I had a blind date with a dentist - and he told me to come back in six months. I had a blind date with a dentist - and he told me to come back in six months.
Joan Rivers quotes: Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers quotes: They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another. They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
Joan Rivers quotes: I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan Rivers quotes: Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

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