Jenny Lawson quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jenny Lawson

Jenny Lawson Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Jenny Lawson on Wise Famous Quotes.

Don't sabotage yourself. There are plenty of other people willing to do that for free.

When life gives you lemons you should freeze them and use them to throw at your enemies using some sort of trebuchet.

I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, or Mary Poppins's carpetbag.

Five vans of chicks took off to visit wineries for wine tasting. Only four came back.1

DAY 2: Start intentionally breaking things so you have a reason not to wrap and pack them.

Australia is really a lot like Texas if Texas were mad at you and drunk and maybe had a knife.

No " Grandlibby replied. "Hail comes from hell. The devil sent it because he's happy that you're reading evil garbage.

In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

No. I can't have sex with you today because there aren't enough spoons.

I very much own the fact that I'm a misfit. The Internet makes everyone realize they're screwed up.

Every time I get scared or feel like I'm not going to be good enough at something, I say that mantra to myself. "Pretend you're good at it."

Are asparaguses just artichokes that haven't grown properly? Like they started smoking and got really skinny, like supermodels? *

Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we're probably delicious.

Maybe that's why people overschedule their kids now. Maybe it's to avoid driving your lawn mower over a small cliff made by gopherlike children.

This place is very bushy," I said, using words to describe things.

Oh my God, calm down, Darwin. Don't get all crazy just 'cause I threw a vampire monkey wrench in your faulty Jesus-zombie logic.

I try to be honest about the shame that I feel because with honesty comes empowerment and also understanding.

You don't have to go to some special private school to be an artist. Just look at the intricate beauty of cobwebs. Spiders make them with their butts.

We all get our share of tragedy or insanity or drama, but what we do with that horror is what makes all the difference. I

Depression is like ... when you don't want cheese anymore. Even though it's cheese.

The world always looks nicer when it's a little blurry - that's why so many of us have a second glass of wine at dinner.

I just realized that men get stiletto knives and women get stiletto shoes. This whole thing is fucked.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

I am caught in a Mark Twain shame spiral.

The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday

I whispered to the girl next to me that I was very excited about having my first cheese tasting because I love cheese.

Why would I want to do more when I'm already doing so well at nothing?

This is the same reason I listen to a lot of uber-conservative Republican radio. Because I want to know what is on the minds of my enemies.

Plus, I won't have to feel bad for eating too many egg rolls because if I suddenly get skinny that's going to be hard to explain.

I'm not sure I have the words to describe that moment but if there's a word that means the exact opposite of "ladylike", that would be a good start.

I'm not overweight. I'm simply overgravitated. Spell-check

That raccoon is my goddamn role model. He is the worst and best Patronus ever, and I want to be just like him when I grow up.

Because money can't buy the happiness of a good and understanding spouse.

I can feel other people's emotions. Their life force, maybe? Something. It's uncomfortable but in a way that's hard to define.

It is an amazing gift to be able to recognize that the things that make you the happiest are so much easier to grasp than you thought.

I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains

IIlike your skin because it keeps your organs from falling out onto the carpet.

Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.

So I'm standing there, holding a googly-eyed can of beans as it shakes and loudly farts the birthday song to me in a gas station.

I had no idea how complicated and solitary it could be to write a simple book.

What I want you to know: Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. Clinical depression is no fucking picnic.

Luckily the god of How-Did-Children-Survive-in-the-Seventies was looking out for us

There will be moments when you have to be a grown-up. Those moments are tricks. Do not fall for them.

No one ever expects vaginal arthritis. (Or the Spanish Inquisition).

They should change "like finding a needle in a haystack" to "like finding a pen that works in that drawer filled with pens that don't work.

I'd eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter.

It's how people fish when they've run completely out of bait, dynamite, and any common sense whatsoever. There

Today an applicant who couldn't pass the typing test blamed it on me for giving her a trick keyboard because the keys weren't in alphabetical order.

Lick David Tennant's face.

Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides.

Call me 'that-weird-chick-who-says-"fuck"-a-lot'" is probably more accurate,

Pretend you're good at it." It seemed too simple, but it was all I had so I scrawled the words on my arm and repeated it as a mantra.

You are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them.

I rented sloths by the hour.

When our brains declare war on our very existence.

I'd convinced myself that girls are like small bears: cute to look at, but far too dangerous to have lunch with.

Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn't have made power tools so awesome.

he looked at me and Jean Louise with disgust.

One of the best things you can do as a parent is to realize that your child is nothing like you, and everything like you.

Then I yelled through his door, It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.

(Editor's note: Start over. Sound less ludicrous.)

Don't compare your behind-the-scenes look to everyone else's highlight reel.

I'm not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands.

Pretend you're good at it.

Just cheer up is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.

If you'd like to quickly round up a whole lot of assholes all in one spot I suggest going to the airport.

That's the good thing about hanging with bloggers. Most of them are kind of fucked up in the same way you are.

The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.

I almost never use B.C. and A.D. to describe time periods. I use BKCWC. Before Kirk Cameron Went Crazy. That's how I judge time. *

No really. What exactly did you do today, Jenny? Quantify it for me."
"It's not quantifiable. There aren't even metrics for the shit I do.

There is such freedom in being able to celebrate and appreciate the unique moments that recharge you and give you peace and joy.

I've had chronic insomnia for as long as I can remember. These are the things that eventually happen when you're alone at two a.m. often enough. *

I don't have arachnophobia (irrational fear of spiders) because fear of spiders is perfectly rational so I refuse to recognize it as a "disorder.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card.

Even when everything's going your way you can still be sad.

Someone has to be the worst ninja in the class. That's just basic math.

Be as visibly fucked up as you want to be because being unique is already taken

Some days are good, and some days are bad, and some days are the days you get a dead dog in the mail. They can't all be winners.

That's the thing about my father. You never know when he's hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you.

Sometimes the depression is mild enough that I mistake it for the flu or mono,

If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

On the other side of fear is freedom. And usually fewer fingers than you started with.

Then I realized I hurt too much to use Twitter and that's when I knew I was dying.

My rule is "Enjoy the non-shitty things now because shitty things are coming.

It (her wedding dress) was the kind of dress that both Scarlett O'Hara and Princess Diana would have deemed 'over the top'.

Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't
actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your
mind?

I wish for her to have love, and just enough heartbreak to appreciate it.

And whenever I had menstral cramps, I could just pretend that Voldemort was close.

everything in the world either is or isn't pandas

Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though.

Mentally ill. It's a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly.

Your Pants Are Bragging at Me

I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I've lost.

Call me Ishmael. I won't answer to it, because it's not my name.

*Spoiler alert: Bambi's mom doesn't make it.

My grandmother used to say, "Into everyone's life a little rain must fall---rain, assholes, and assorted bullshit .

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Sometimes stunned silence is better than applause.

Most people don't have poisonous tap water in their house.