David Letterman quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by David Letterman

David Letterman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from David Letterman on Wise Famous Quotes.

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

There just isn't enough televised Chess

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king

Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.