David Letterman quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by David Letterman

David Letterman Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from David Letterman on Wise Famous Quotes.

David Letterman quotes: They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that.

David Letterman quotes: I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

David Letterman quotes: Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'

David Letterman quotes: If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

David Letterman quotes: Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

David Letterman quotes: This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

David Letterman quotes: Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

David Letterman quotes: I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

David Letterman quotes: I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

David Letterman quotes: You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

David Letterman quotes: I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

David Letterman quotes: There just isn't enough televised Chess

There just isn't enough televised Chess

David Letterman quotes: The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

David Letterman quotes: Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

David Letterman quotes: So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

David Letterman quotes: Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

David Letterman quotes: Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.

David Letterman quotes: After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

David Letterman quotes: Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.

Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.

David Letterman quotes: Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman quotes: I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

David Letterman quotes: President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

David Letterman quotes: John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

David Letterman quotes: Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.

David Letterman quotes: Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

David Letterman quotes: Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

David Letterman quotes: Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

David Letterman quotes: This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

David Letterman quotes: You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

David Letterman quotes: Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

David Letterman quotes: The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

David Letterman quotes: Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

David Letterman quotes: Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

David Letterman quotes: Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

David Letterman quotes: BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

David Letterman quotes: As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

David Letterman quotes: It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

David Letterman quotes: Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

David Letterman quotes: What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

David Letterman quotes: It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

David Letterman quotes: If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

David Letterman quotes: President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

David Letterman quotes: There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

David Letterman quotes: Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

David Letterman quotes: The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

David Letterman quotes: I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

David Letterman quotes: Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

David Letterman quotes: In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

David Letterman quotes: The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?

The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?

David Letterman quotes: I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

David Letterman quotes: Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

David Letterman quotes: Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

David Letterman quotes: CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

David Letterman quotes: The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

David Letterman quotes: Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

David Letterman quotes: The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

David Letterman quotes: Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

David Letterman quotes: Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

David Letterman quotes: Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

David Letterman quotes: Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.

Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.

David Letterman quotes: I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

David Letterman quotes: And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

David Letterman quotes: I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

David Letterman quotes: Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

David Letterman quotes: Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.

Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.

David Letterman quotes: George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

David Letterman quotes: Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

David Letterman quotes: Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

David Letterman quotes: Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

David Letterman quotes: In Hollywood, Oscar is king

In Hollywood, Oscar is king

David Letterman quotes: Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

David Letterman quotes: Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

David Letterman quotes: Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

David Letterman quotes: Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

David Letterman quotes: Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

David Letterman quotes: The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

David Letterman quotes: My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

David Letterman quotes: You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

David Letterman quotes: Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman quotes: Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

David Letterman quotes: President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

David Letterman quotes: President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

David Letterman quotes: Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

David Letterman quotes: Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

David Letterman quotes: Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

David Letterman quotes: I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

David Letterman quotes: Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

David Letterman quotes: I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

David Letterman quotes: I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

David Letterman quotes: Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

David Letterman quotes: Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!

Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!

David Letterman quotes: I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

David Letterman quotes: Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

David Letterman quotes: Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

David Letterman quotes: Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

David Letterman quotes: Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.

David Letterman quotes: Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

David Letterman quotes: While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

David Letterman quotes: Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

David Letterman quotes: I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.