Craig Ferguson Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Craig Ferguson

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Craig Ferguson Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Craig Ferguson on Wise Famous Quotes.

Craig Ferguson quotes: Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me. I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Craig Ferguson quotes: What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night! What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!
Craig Ferguson quotes: Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt. Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
Craig Ferguson quotes: Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with! Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!
Craig Ferguson quotes: Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.
Craig Ferguson quotes: If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine. If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine.
Craig Ferguson quotes: According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email. According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.
Craig Ferguson quotes: It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew? It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Craig Ferguson quotes: A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women? A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?
Craig Ferguson quotes: You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex. You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
Craig Ferguson quotes: In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes. In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet ... Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet ...
Craig Ferguson quotes: Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love. Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty. I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Craig Ferguson quotes: When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die. When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli. Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know
Craig Ferguson quotes: The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful. The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.
Craig Ferguson quotes: You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
Craig Ferguson quotes: I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger. I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Time is only linear for engineers and referees. Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
Craig Ferguson quotes: It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear. It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Craig Ferguson quotes: People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden." People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
Craig Ferguson quotes: You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff. You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it. I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Stand by your bed and salute me. Stand by your bed and salute me.
Craig Ferguson quotes: It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television. It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it? Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?
Craig Ferguson quotes: In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side. In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie. I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
Craig Ferguson quotes: At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to. At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to.
Craig Ferguson quotes: These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you. I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.
Craig Ferguson quotes: My pilot's license. I'm proud of that. My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I only like sports that Bond villains played. I only like sports that Bond villains played.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket. Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way. Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I wanted to be a rock star. I wanted to be a rock star.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys. Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Craig Ferguson quotes: From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong? From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Craig Ferguson quotes: Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer. Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.
Craig Ferguson quotes: If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck. If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
Craig Ferguson quotes: It's a book. It's mine. And it's done. It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view. I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction ... And the only customer. I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction ... And the only customer.
Craig Ferguson quotes: President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
Craig Ferguson quotes: The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman. The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
Craig Ferguson quotes: For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids
Craig Ferguson quotes: Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself. Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read. Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
Craig Ferguson quotes: If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me. If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Craig Ferguson quotes: The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious. The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction. Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
Craig Ferguson quotes: The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me. The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway. I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love. Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Whoever I had become had to die. Whoever I had become had to die.
Craig Ferguson quotes: 114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104. 114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations. Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Great, as long as you're happy Great, as long as you're happy
Craig Ferguson quotes: Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
Craig Ferguson quotes: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass. You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure. I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time. Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.
Craig Ferguson quotes: According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in. According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.' I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
Craig Ferguson quotes: During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
Craig Ferguson quotes: HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it. HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels. Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
Craig Ferguson quotes: The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it. The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
Craig Ferguson quotes: New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone. New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again. I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers. I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
Craig Ferguson quotes: My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus. My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child. Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck. Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
Craig Ferguson quotes: An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids. An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Tomorrow is your future's yesterday. Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't. I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Oh Satan you're a wily one. Oh Satan you're a wily one.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's. I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I realized women and humor were linked very closely. I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that. I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
Craig Ferguson quotes: People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth. People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants. I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
Craig Ferguson quotes: If you don't vote, you're a moron. If you don't vote, you're a moron.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation. I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals. Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think. I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
Craig Ferguson quotes: The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia. The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.
Craig Ferguson quotes: If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain. If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain. Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I'm careful with money. I'm careful with money.
Craig Ferguson quotes: I don't get emails from my corporate overlords. I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.
Craig Ferguson quotes: Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say. Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

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