Craig Ferguson Quotes

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet ...

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

I wanted to be a rock star.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction ... And the only customer.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Whoever I had become had to die.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

Great, as long as you're happy

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

I'm careful with money.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.