Billy Connolly Quotes
Top 98 wise famous quotes and sayings by Billy Connolly
Billy Connolly Famous Quotes & Sayings
Discover top inspirational quotes from Billy Connolly on Wise Famous Quotes.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ...
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ...
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.