Billy Connolly quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Billy Connolly on Wise Famous Quotes.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

I've been a poser for f
ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ...

Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Try to live in a place you like.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead.

Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Don't die until you're dead.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather.

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.

Fuck the begrudgers

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Don't work out, work in.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

I don't aim to offend.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".

The more you know the less the better.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra ... I'm never likely to go there.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

If you give people a chance, they shine.