Billy Connolly Quotes

Top 98 wise famous quotes and sayings by Billy Connolly

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Billy Connolly Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Billy Connolly on Wise Famous Quotes.

Billy Connolly quotes: Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet. Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Billy Connolly quotes: There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Billy Connolly quotes: I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Billy Connolly quotes: What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Billy Connolly quotes: So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Billy Connolly quotes: When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connolly quotes: I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
Billy Connolly quotes: When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Billy Connolly quotes: There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes. There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Billy Connolly quotes: People die all the time. It's just that you're not around. People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
Billy Connolly quotes: In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Billy Connolly quotes: I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher. I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
Billy Connolly quotes: I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you. I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Billy Connolly quotes: I've been a poser for fing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. I've been a poser for f
ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
Billy Connolly quotes: The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.""Don't vote. It just encourages them ... The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one."
"Don't vote. It just encourages them ...
Billy Connolly quotes: Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease. Outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.
Billy Connolly quotes: I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days..
Billy Connolly quotes: If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly quotes: My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
Billy Connolly quotes: I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was. I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Billy Connolly quotes: A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand. A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Billy Connolly quotes: Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Billy Connolly quotes: Try to live in a place you like. Try to live in a place you like.
Billy Connolly quotes: The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex. The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
Billy Connolly quotes: The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Billy Connolly quotes: Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Billy Connolly quotes: Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly quotes: People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
Billy Connolly quotes: Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words. Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Billy Connolly quotes: Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
Billy Connolly quotes: As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me. As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Billy Connolly quotes: Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question. Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
Billy Connolly quotes: I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline. I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
Billy Connolly quotes: A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Billy Connolly quotes: Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
Billy Connolly quotes: I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly quotes: I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white. I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
Billy Connolly quotes: When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight. When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Billy Connolly quotes: I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea. I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
Billy Connolly quotes: A fart is just your arse applauding. A fart is just your arse applauding.
Billy Connolly quotes: Politically correct is the language of cowardice. Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Billy Connolly quotes: Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Billy Connolly quotes: Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
Billy Connolly quotes: A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries. A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
Billy Connolly quotes: Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead. Wisdom is the contant questioning of where you are. And when you stop wanting to know, you're dea. You're walking, but you're dead.
Billy Connolly quotes: Never trust people who've only got one fucking book. Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.
Billy Connolly quotes: Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
Billy Connolly quotes: Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh. Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
Billy Connolly quotes: For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
Billy Connolly quotes: Don't vote, it only encourages them. Don't vote, it only encourages them.
Billy Connolly quotes: Don't die until you're dead. Don't die until you're dead.
Billy Connolly quotes: I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
Billy Connolly quotes: Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up. Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
Billy Connolly quotes: My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
Billy Connolly quotes: It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
Billy Connolly quotes: The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather. The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather.
Billy Connolly quotes: Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life! Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!
Billy Connolly quotes: Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires! Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
Billy Connolly quotes: I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow. I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
Billy Connolly quotes: Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Billy Connolly quotes: Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit. Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly quotes: Fuck the begrudgers Fuck the begrudgers
Billy Connolly quotes: Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Billy Connolly quotes: It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
Billy Connolly quotes: I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
Billy Connolly quotes: Don't work out, work in. Don't work out, work in.
Billy Connolly quotes: The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think. The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
Billy Connolly quotes: I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt. I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
Billy Connolly quotes: Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is. Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
Billy Connolly quotes: If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one. If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Billy Connolly quotes: Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do. Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
Billy Connolly quotes: Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Billy Connolly quotes: Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Billy Connolly quotes: Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying. Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
Billy Connolly quotes: I don't aim to offend. I don't aim to offend.
Billy Connolly quotes: [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here
Billy Connolly quotes: I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
Billy Connolly quotes: If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket. If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
Billy Connolly quotes: Never trust anybody with only one book. Never trust anybody with only one book.
Billy Connolly quotes: If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Billy Connolly quotes: I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Billy Connolly quotes: When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Billy Connolly quotes: When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'. When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
Billy Connolly quotes: I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
Billy Connolly quotes: My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly quotes: I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.". I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".
Billy Connolly quotes: The more you know the less the better. The more you know the less the better.
Billy Connolly quotes: When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Billy Connolly quotes: I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
Billy Connolly quotes: I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra ... I'm never likely to go there. I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra ... I'm never likely to go there.
Billy Connolly quotes: I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt. I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.
Billy Connolly quotes: Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!! Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
Billy Connolly quotes: If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers. If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.
Billy Connolly quotes: I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days. I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
Billy Connolly quotes: Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away. Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Billy Connolly quotes: Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
Billy Connolly quotes: I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly quotes: If you give people a chance, they shine. If you give people a chance, they shine.

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