Art Buchwald quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Art Buchwald on Wise Famous Quotes.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday ... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys ...

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even

The things that matter most are not things.

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.