Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Top 100 wise famous quotes and sayings by Anthony Jeselnik

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Anthony Jeselnik Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Anthony Jeselnik on Wise Famous Quotes.

Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled. I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball. Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything. I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off. I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something. When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference. With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player. Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend. My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them. People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves. I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire. I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable. I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst. Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up. I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents. It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time. My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding. My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves. I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it. I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted. I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault. I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job. There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many. Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks. Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes. The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome. I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me. Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way. What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it. I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend. My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: The opposite of sad is down's syndrome. The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me. I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet ... oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet ... oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it. I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.' I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother. Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you. It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor. I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine. Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands. You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it. I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death. I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names. I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place. I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles. Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much. I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage. It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing. I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest. I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight. I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.
Anthony Jeselnik quotes: That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset. That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

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