Tim Vine quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Tim Vine

Tim Vine Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Tim Vine on Wise Famous Quotes.

Tim Vine quotes: Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Tim Vine quotes: I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Tim Vine quotes: I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Tim Vine quotes: When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ...

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ...

Tim Vine quotes: Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Tim Vine quotes: You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine quotes: Ive decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust.

Tim Vine quotes: If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

Tim Vine quotes: So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Tim Vine quotes: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Tim Vine quotes: Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Tim Vine quotes: I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Tim Vine quotes: If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Tim Vine quotes: My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

Tim Vine quotes: Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Tim Vine quotes: As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Tim Vine quotes: I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Tim Vine quotes: So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tim Vine quotes: Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Tim Vine quotes: So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine quotes: So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Tim Vine quotes: So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Tim Vine quotes: I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Tim Vine quotes: I was reading a book ... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book ... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Tim Vine quotes: So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tim Vine quotes: You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Tim Vine quotes: So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Tim Vine quotes: So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Tim Vine quotes: I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

Tim Vine quotes: Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Tim Vine quotes: I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Tim Vine quotes: The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Tim Vine quotes: I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Tim Vine quotes: So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Tim Vine quotes: I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums.

Tim Vine quotes: One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Tim Vine quotes: I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Tim Vine quotes: For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

Tim Vine quotes: My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Tim Vine quotes: So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Tim Vine quotes: Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine quotes: So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Tim Vine quotes: I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... '

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... '

Tim Vine quotes: So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Tim Vine quotes: I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Tim Vine quotes: This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Tim Vine quotes: I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Tim Vine quotes: You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Tim Vine quotes: I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Tim Vine quotes: I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.