Richard Jeni quotes: wise famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Richard Jeni

Richard Jeni Famous Quotes & Sayings

Discover top inspirational quotes from Richard Jeni on Wise Famous Quotes.

Richard Jeni quotes: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni quotes: There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Richard Jeni quotes: There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans ... weighs as much as the other two.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans ... weighs as much as the other two.

Richard Jeni quotes: I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Richard Jeni quotes: Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Richard Jeni quotes: In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Richard Jeni quotes: Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Richard Jeni quotes: If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Richard Jeni quotes: You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Richard Jeni quotes: Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Richard Jeni quotes: Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Richard Jeni quotes: Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Richard Jeni quotes: The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Richard Jeni quotes: The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Richard Jeni quotes: Easiest job you could ever have ... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Easiest job you could ever have ... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Richard Jeni quotes: Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Richard Jeni quotes: To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is ... zero.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is ... zero.

Richard Jeni quotes: When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Richard Jeni quotes: In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Richard Jeni quotes: Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Richard Jeni quotes: In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

Richard Jeni quotes: If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Richard Jeni quotes: I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

Richard Jeni quotes: Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Richard Jeni quotes: Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Richard Jeni quotes: Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Richard Jeni quotes: Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Richard Jeni quotes: We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Richard Jeni quotes: If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine ... look into that second, less painful career.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine ... look into that second, less painful career.

Richard Jeni quotes: Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Richard Jeni quotes: America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

Richard Jeni quotes: Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Richard Jeni quotes: You know what the average person is? Average.

You know what the average person is? Average.