Wife Humor Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Wife Humor

Wife Humor Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Wife Humor quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

You need to be my wife to win with me. — Pawan Mishra

God I loved Sammy. I'd considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand. — Darynda Jones

You know your marriage is in trouble when your wife would rather listen to a cackling drug lord than accept your apology. — Red Tash

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit — Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.
From The Wife Drought — Annabel Crabb

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. — Chic Murray

You know that Kate called Walter a heartless bastard?"
"And an asshole. I am quite proud. — Aimee Carter

Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything?
"She sent her love to you."
Nora said: "Stop being nasty. — Dashiell Hammett

She's a parasite I can't seem to get rid of. Like a bad case of financial diarrhea. — Dee Burks

My wife Staci made me go to a wedding last weekend ... If it weren't for her, I'd be happy. — Stephan Pastis

You make a very handsome dead eel, my husband,"
"For a boiled mollusk, you wear black quite well, my wife, — Grace Draven

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

I believe that because I had obtained a wife who was made up of wife-signs (beauty, charm, softness, perfume, cookery) I had found love. — Donald Barthelme

Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody. — Loretta Chase

Humor is falling downstairs if you do it in the act of telling your wife not to. — Fougasse

This was truly advanced WASP: how to comfort a wronged wife and mother without acknowledging any misdeeds done or embarrassment caused by loved ones. — Maggie Shipstead

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield

Dillon, if you're trying to impress me, You're going about it the wrong way. I much prefer a guy with a little more modesty and a lot less wife. -Tate — Colleen Hoover

[Garry Essendine]: That is no prostitute, but the wife of one of my best friends! — Noel Coward

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. — Woody Allen

Traveling through space is for the birds. I'm bored ... should've brought the wife.
Poseidon, the Okeanos Pantheon. — Yelle Hughes

Maybe there's hope for her after all. I'm upgrading her future potential to trophy wife and/or anchorwoman on the local news. — Chelsea M. Campbell

For it was a truth universally acknowledged that a single vicar must be in want of a wife. — G.M. Malliet

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. — Ilie Nastase

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. — Richard Belzer

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton

If I could cook I wouldn't have to study my ass off at school and I would have tried to find a man to support me as his lovely wife. — Carolina Soto

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again. — Gillian Flynn

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. — Chic Murray

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day. — Jay Leno

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman

I don't know how breeder marriages ever work, since the wife never seems to understand. — Andrea Speed

In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead. — Margaret Dilloway

The evening was still warm enough for shirtsleeves, and the city was clinging to summer like a wannabe trophy wife to a promising center forward. — Ben Aaronovitch

My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. — Rodney Dangerfield

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Thank God (my wife) and I were both born poor
so the concept of fidelity was allowed to take root in us. — Allan Wolf

And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.' Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did! — John Bytheway

Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a wonderful wife. — Josh Lanyon

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg! — Terry Pratchett

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" — Henny Youngman

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music. — Tina Fey

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. — Pawan Mishra

I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right. — Isaac Asimov

Madelyne, we're married now. 'Tis a usual occurrence to bed one's wife on the wedding night. — Julie Garwood

My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you. — Michael Caine

I feel about John ['s gospel] like I feel about my wife; I love her very much, but I wouldn't claim to understand her.
(Following Jesus, p. 27.) — N. T. Wright

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh Pia, I feel GOOD! Fully recovered!' he always says in a dazzling tone that tells everyone within a ten-kilometre radius that he's not. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

I think it's 'only polite' that my wife should let me know when she's entertaining a male visitor, furthermore one that has shared her bed. — Charlaine Harris

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. — Frank Carson

Grandma Ponder said, Show me a man wears a diamond ring, and I'll show you a wife beater. — Eudora Welty

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Perfect Tommy: Pictures don't lie.
Reno: The hell they don't. I met my first wife that way — Earl Mac Rauch

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman

A little of me goes a long way," I told my wife on our wedding night. — W.H. Mitchell

The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th. — Scott Adams

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman

I had made her so unhappy that she had developed a sense of humor. [-Rabo Karabekian] — Kurt Vonnegut

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! — Rodney Dangerfield

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber? — Neil S. Plakcy

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause. — Tom Morrison

I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA. — Carroll Bryant

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. — Bob Monkhouse

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma. — Mark Twain

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife — Shelley Winters

I confess i cannot help myself. i am imaginig my self as his wife. i suppose while im at it , i might as well imagine myself as queen of england,too. — Julianne MacLean

Library-denigrators, pay heed: suggesting that the Internet is a viable substitute for libraries is like saying porn could replace your wife. — Joanne Harris

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

For Sale: Complete set of encylopedias. Never used. Wife knows everything. — Paul Zindel

He believed he was dead and used to rage at his wife because she wouldn't bury him. I'd a-done it. — L.M. Montgomery

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. — Henny Youngman

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman

NO greater love has a husband for his wife than to watch a 2hr documentary on an elite ballet competition. — Mark Venturini

I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ... — Dashiell Hammett

If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady. — Poppet

A good wife would have sorted him out and put him on the right road..." There comes that right road again. I wonder where it is? Imogen thought — Jean Stubbs

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour. — Frank Carson

A smart wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman. — Miriam Defensor Santiago

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. — Pawan Mishra

It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad — Terry Pratchett

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. — Frankie Boyle