Wife Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Wife Funny

Wife Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Wife Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.' — Larry David

Apparently officers are not 'men'. Officers are 'officers'. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

No comedian's wife thinks he's funny. The first few years of the marriage, maybe. I was funny as hell the first couple of years. — Tom Smothers

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit — Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! — Rodney Dangerfield

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time. — Chic Murray

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home. — Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for? — Stephanie Lennox

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical. — Jerry Seinfeld

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife. — E.W. Howe

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife. — Charles Barkley

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children. — Bill Cosby

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. — Bob Monkhouse

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up. — R.R. Virdi

Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows. — Wendy Lichtman

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried. — Charles Caleb Colton

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say. — Alfred Hitchcock

I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me. — Daniel Dae Kim

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it. — Les Dawson

Rick to Herschel: My wife is pregnant. That is either a gift here, or a death sentence out there. — The Walking Dead

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. — Richard Belzer

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. — Chic Murray

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors. — Corey Ford

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. — Dave Mordal

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ... — Dashiell Hammett

My wife's a loving, funny, Irish-spirited person, and I'm still surprised at some of the things she says. She makes me laugh every day. — Gary Sinise

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

It's funny - my wife is more jealous of my books than of other women because I'm always working and thinking about my books. — Antonio Lobo Antunes

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. — Groucho Marx

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. — Henny Youngman

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. — Frank Carson

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror." — Frank Carson

That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife. — Moby

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson

A chap wouldn't hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta. — Sara Sheridan

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it. — Benjamin Mancroft, 3rd Baron Mancroft

There is strong. There is Army Strong. And then there is Army Wife Strong. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

I don't know how breeder marriages ever work, since the wife never seems to understand. — Andrea Speed

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife. — M.F. Moonzajer

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. — Lord Chesterfield

My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday. — Rodney Dangerfield

The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted. — Kin Hubbard

Even-money that my liver lasts through my wife's metamorphosis to my mother-in-law. — Tim Heaton

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' — William Cosmo Monkhouse

Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it. — Walter Matthau

My biggest influence is someone I really don't know at all: Tina Fey. Smart, funny, beautiful, self-deprecating, also a mom and a wife. — Laura Benanti

There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. — Jake Wizner

You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife. — Lisa Kleypas

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife ! — Akbar

Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife — Ruth Downie

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! — Rodney Dangerfield

I got me a fine wife and I got me old fiddle, when the suns coming up I got cakes on the griddle. And life ain't nothing, but a funny, funny riddle. — John Denver

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?

~ Susan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" — Henny Youngman

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife. — Mark Watson

He took his misfortune like a man - he blamed it on his wife. — Bob Phillips

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

My wife is so funny and talented and never lets anybody fail next to her. — Mark Consuelos

Penard's got a secret baby!' Fifteen-year-old Richard twisted his lips up at one end. 'Maybe he has a secret wife in the attic! — Olivia Newport

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife. — Earl Weaver

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' — Bob Monkhouse

No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts. — Kurt Vonnegut

Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition. — C.J. Redwine

My wife has a black belt in shopping. — Henny Youngman

Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much ...
... Monogamy ? It's the same. — Oscar Wilde

If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name. — Moshe Dayan

She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. — Gene Wilder

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour. — Frank Carson

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. — Pawan Mishra

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. — Bob Monkhouse

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman. — Bob Phillips

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. — Frankie Boyle

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one. — Frank Skinner

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield

For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents. — James Herriot