Vine Funny Quotes: top 35 famous quotes about Vine Funny

Vine Funny Quotes & Sayings

Happy to read and share the best inspirational Vine Funny quotes, sayings and quotations on Wise Famous Quotes.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" — Tim Vine

Everybody has a choice. I am not here to shove my light down everybody's throat. For those who don't want it, I have nothing to defend. — Lauryn Hill

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... — Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one. — Tim Vine

I'm really not up for answering any questions that start with how, when, where, why or what. — John Green

I'm a Berliner - fast, loud, obnoxious, industrious, brutally open. — Hasso Plattner

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine

Today, unless women gain jobs and athletic scholarships commensurate with their percentage of the population, feminists scream discrimination. — Marvin Olasky

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." — Tim Vine

To waste a life with fear is, really, the scariest thing. — Vironika Tugaleva

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. — Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. — Tim Vine

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.' — Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". — Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." — Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. — Tim Vine

I haven't done Vine in a long time, and when I first started, I just did stuff that I thought was funny. — Maisie Williams

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray. — Tim Vine

That's a big room up there, and a .38 doesn't have much accuracy from a distance. — Stephen King

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine

That sure as fuck ain't no cow — Scott Sigler

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. — Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." — Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it. — Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine

Art is vice. One does not wed it, one rapes it. — Edgar Degas

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. — Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

It is thanks to my evening reading alone that I am still more or less sane. — W.G. Sebald